I was Good Luck Bear tonight. I made cute little ears, pinned a circular tummy of a felt shamrock onto my tanktop, and painted a green heart onto my nose. I worked extremely hard to make myself resemble a Care Bear, but many people couldn't figure out what the hell I was for Halloween. I was the following characters tonight:

1. a Shamrock mouse
2. a Leprechaun
3. too hot to be a bear
4. Lucky Charm

By the way, I'm drunk right now so hopefully this makes sense. Care Bear Stare!

Aren't mothers the greatest when they're not nagging you about saving money or making you pull up your pants?

Last night, I talked to my mother on the phone and we chatted about sales at the grocery store . She mentioned that chicken breasts were cheap at Krogers and that paper towels were buy-one-get-one free at Food Lion. She kindly asked whether I had finished the family sized toilet paper we purchased together two weeks ago at the whole sale store. I surprised my mother by informing her that I was using each roll sparingly and haven't run out of TP. Usually, I would have already made my weekly trip to Wal-Mart to restock on my absorbent tissues, but I have turned over a new leaf.

My mom, who was so proud of my economical behavior, gave me some important advice. She said, "Natalie, before you leave work, take a dump. You'll save even more toilet paper that way."

Thanks, Mom. I love you.

I've been working on this project for my lab for the past week or so. I had to find establishments around the area to run our research studies. I spent my days making cold calls and talking with too many people. All my hard work paid off because we now have a ton of places we can run research studies. Thank you, thank you.

I decided to show my project to the bossman because I was brimming with excitement. I handed my binder full of information about running studies and he looked at the cover and goes "What are we? In fourth grade? At least put some pictures on here."

Okaaayyyy. Hmm..

Thanks for pointing out my binder's creative flaw. I'm sorry that I was trying to save the lab money by purchasing binders without the frills. I'm sorry that instead of printing out an immaculate picture of the university, I taped a piece of paper on the front that said "Where can I run my studies? look in here!" I'm sorry the paper was only white and the tape made it look extra ghetto. I thought you couldn't judge a binder by it's homemade cover, but I guess your elementary school teacher skipped that lesson plan . Next time, I'll be sure to go to Kinko's, put some spiral rings, and laminate the piece of shit. And yes, I am in the fourth grade. Now pass me my chocolate milk and go to hell.

I am bored at work today. I get mad when I have so much work to do, but now that I am free, free at last, I am dying to find something fulfilling to accomplish.

Here is a shoutout to my bestest friend, Krystal Ann : HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GIRLFRIEND!

Krys has been my best friend since the age of negative nine months. We used to write letters to each other with Hello Kitty stationary and talk on the phone for three hours straight. This was before the time of free long distance and my father used to bitch about the horrendous phone bills each month.

Krystal's dad and my dad have been best friends since their days in our homeland (aka China). They ate rice together, went to boarding school with each other, and smoked pot back in the seventies. The tea leaves made it our destiny to become bestfriends.

My first kiss was with Ryan, her neighbor in Jersey. We were playing truth or dare and they dared me to make out with him for two minutes. How romantic and slobbery.

Krystal is almost 5' tall and I'm a little taller than 5'8". We complete each other because I can talk with tall people and she can relay information to short individuals.

What is funny about our relationship is that we have never lived in the same state. When I was in Queens, she was in Long Island; when I was in Jersey, she was still in Long Island; when I was in North Carolina, she was in Jersey. One day, we shall live only 5 minutes apart and we will never have to travel far to play Toe Jam and Earl and eat sandwiches at 4 in the morning.

What else can I say about my short counterpart? She will become the biggest hotel mogul and run a large corporation of resorts.

How bout I'll trade you free psychological therapy for free resort packages?

A Montage of Sorts

You don't know ghetto until you've install a license plate on your front bumper to hide the huge dent instead of getting it fixed.

Oh, have you ever had a dream about going to the bathroom and you really wet the bed? It happened to me like three times as a child and I am still haunted by it.
I still have dreams about wanting to take a pisser, but I no longer wet the bed in my slumber. Despite the many years of a dry sleeping area, I continue to fear that my bladder will one day lose control.

My life is now complete. This site, Absolut Insanity, is featured on Google! My self worth is measured by the number of hits I receive per day. Now that is quality self-esteem if I may say so myself.
Have you ever been bored and decided to search for yourself on Google? I have and came up with nothing and it was a serious a huge blow to the ego. However, I rather have zero sites connected to my name than a multitude of pornographic sites advertising me as their Asian Fetish Chic.

My body is still on spring foward time. I was starving by 10 this morning and ended up eating both of my salads that I brought as my lunch and afternoon snack. When I don't eat, my blood sugar drops and I get really really cranky. People will call right before lunch time and I end up giving half-assed answers to their stupid questions.
I just want to get off the damn phone and go eat some of my beloved Frito-Lay peanuts.

If it is past 11:30, you best hope I've already eaten my roasted legumes.

Holy crap. I am completely hungover on this glorious, but cloudy Sunday morning. Shall I describe to you the events of last night? I will do my best to recall the details in my less than pefect mental condition, seeing that the obscene amount of alcohol consumed last night may hinder my efforts. You know what? I think I'll just stick to a list for easier consumption.

Tips for Guys: How to Impress a Girl
1. Do not spill red alcoholic drinks on the girl's new brown shoes, especially ones that she had just bought at the mall earlier that day.
2. Buy her many shots, and make sure all well drinks are mixed with diet soda or club soda. We cannot afford the extra calories. Do you really want a chunktafied hookup?
3. The more drunk she is, the more likely her vision is so impaired that your 'scariness' will not bother her. Also, make sure to buy her guy-friends drinks so that they will not enstate a cock block or warn her that you are 'scary looking.'
4. Do not stare at the woman's chestial area no matter how see-through her shirt is. And do not ask her if she 'ever wears a bra.' Do you really want to get kicked in the shins?
5. Have your friends drive and pick you up at the bar so that you do not have to drink-n-drive. She will most likely go home with you if she feels safe in a motorized vehicle driven by a sober person.
6. Offer multiple bong hits to accelerate the feelings of intoxication.
7. Amaze her by putting her pantyhose on your head and screaming "I have a do-rag on my head!"
8. Provide cushy, but stylish pajamas so that she is comfortable and cute during her stay at your abode. Ugly sweatpants will not secure a second visit, boys.
9. Make sure South Park's "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' is on the television.
10. Do not grab the girl's ass and call her "chink." No matter what you may think, derogatory ethnic labels are not endearing and will not help your cause.
11. Do not assume the guys she is with are her 'boys.' Pretend to think at least one of them could potentially be her boyfriend. Just because she is half-naked, does not mean she lacks a significant other who would tell her not to leave the house 'looking like that.'
12. Have all your friends join in your bed to play sardines.
13. Dazzle her with your pyrotectnic abilities by setting off firecrackers in the middle of the street while cops are around.
14. Do not call her at 4am assuming that she will still be awake and want to drive to your far ass house to hang out with a bunch of cute bartenders. At least offer to pick up her up, you asshole.