Things I learned during Thanksgiving weekend.

1. Asians do not like to use soap. Don't even try finding a bar of soap in the bathroom.

2. When fathers get old, they tend to forget things. Plan to freeze your ass off at a soccer field because your father forgot to pick you up.

3. No food will compliment your diet. Starvation is key to losing weight.

4. The internet is your friend. Ignore people by latching on to the computer.

5. Traffic ain't that bad if you leave wicked early from the festivities. No reason to stay around to be polite. They won't remember your rudeness by next T-day.

I was at The Dollar Store to purchase cheap Christmas cards, and as I waited in line to pay for my goodies, I spotted racks of pregnancy tests.

Promiscuous sex is so rampant that The Dollar Store now carries preggie tests. You could have sex multiple times and only have to spend a buck to see if you were carrying little Junior. Just make sure you submerge the test stick in a cup of urine; peeing on it will not work.

If you want an Xmas card from me, email your addy. You'll receive a card with a picture of Parker (my doggie) and me.

I am going to write out citations for smelly individuals. It is a travesty to expose my olfactory senses to such offensive odors.

I am in no mood to be alive today.