I'm a big fan of The Onion, so to pay tribute to the grand publication, I wrote my own columns. Here we go

Man Buys Minivan, Hates Family
John David, 32, from Weekhaukus, MI fell victim to the old adage, "Kill me if I ever buy a minivan." David, an avid fan of anything fast on wheels succumbed to the pressures of family-hood. David states, "I've been a firm believe that anyone who purchases a minivan must be an old tool. Get me out of this marriage and family shit. I can't take it." He left the car lot with the keys to a brand new five star Chrysler Minivan, three screaming kids and an overweight wife.


6th Grader's Note Checked Yes
Sixth grader, Tom Winnow, passed a secretive note in math class today. The blue lined piece of paper, neatly folded into a rectangular, was labeled "To Sarah." It is reported that the note came in contact with three different people before arriving at its destination. Sarah, slightly hesitant, opened the letter and was faced with the ever-perplexing question: "Do you like me?"

Many notes of this nature have been found in schools across America. No one knows how it got started, but this type of correspondence shows similar patterns to the chain-letter effect.

Unlike the standard "Yes" and "No" answers with the check boxes next to them, Winnow's letter included an extra option: "Maybe." That gave Winnow an edge. An insider in Mrs. Sloan's math class informs that Sarah did in fact liked Tom and checked, in fervor, the box next to "Yes."

The couple has set a date to meet at the school's gymnasium to exchange IM screennames.


Turd Tracked in House, Not Mud
It was reported that the brown colored mud tracked into the Stanford's front portion of the house is in fact, dog feces and not mud as previously thought. "At first I figured that I stepped in a puddle of mud since it rained for the past four days, but then I got a whiff of that shit and almost puked," said seventeen-year-old Bryker. Bryker was promptly reprimanded by Colleen Stanford, his mother. Mrs. Standford stated that it was not the first time that idiot walked inside the house and dragged dog shit all over the white carpet.

Immediately after the incident, a new rule was instated; All persons must remove their shoes at the door before entering. Mrs. Stanford credits the "no shoe in the house" idea to that Chinese guy from Trading Spaces.

updated my About Me section bc it kept redirecting people to an unrelated page. :P

I'm at www.hotornot.com. Why? Because I'm bored. Here are some tips to those picture posters:

1. Comb your hair. It doesn't take much to pick up a brush and detangle that mess.
2. Swipe that oily off your face. Grease and flash do not mix.
3. Close your shirt. That's why God made buttons.
4. I do not need to see what's in your nostrils so please aim the camera away from your nasal passges. If you're striving for the "cocky look," avoid photographing your boogers.
5. Pictures need to be bigger than .5 inches and smaller than 10 inches. No need to get the magnifying glass or scroll the webpage.
6. No bathing suits or lingerie allowed.
7. Get your ratails cut. It's only $4.99 at Supercuts.
8. Standing near, around, or in front of a large vehicle does not make you look sexy. The car probably isn't yours.
9. Leave all military gear in the closet. Dressing in fatigues does not make you look hotter, just dumber.
10. Take pictures with a decent camera. Camera phones will not do neither will webcams.
11. Try to smile. It will make your ugly face look a tiny bit better.
12. Compliments of Cameron: If you are a guy, you should a)not make gay foto collage of yourself b) if you do make gay ass foto collage do not assume some homoerotic fabio pose where you are holding your shirt open like front cover of trashy grocery store romance novel

Until today, I thought the phrase "pipe dream" was coined because pipes are long , byzantine, and impossible to follow, similiar to untangible dreams. But now I know that "pipe dream" was derived from the dreams one has when smoking an opium pipe.

Have you ever seen trucks with rocks flying out of their beds with a sign posted on its bumpber stating, "Not responsible for cracked windshield. Stay 300 feet away."

Last I checked, rocks don't fly in one single direction; they disperse in every direction. So, if I'm driving next to the truck and a rock damages my car, he is sure as shit going to be responsible. 300 feet my ass.

Ok I just updated the List of Things to D:
50. sing "Here I go Again" at a Kareoke bar
51. dance on the PBs bar
52. strip at Amatuer Night
53. make out with a girl
54. go on a date with a software developer
55. take a tree stick, poke it through a biker's wheel and make him fall
56. not get nervous during a presentation
57. use the AC in the car for the whole entire ride to Raleigh without turning it down/off
58. not watch DVDs for a week
59. not touch a computer for a week
60. get engaged to a hot guy (compliments of Sarah)
61. buy a usb key
62. learn metric table
63. do a headstand for 60 seconds
64. treat myself to the spa
65. wear bottlecap glasses to the bar
66. go to dinner with Cass (my bros exgf)
67. have an entire IM convo with NO TYPOS (at work, 5 hrs or more!)
68. sit through an entire movie in a real movie theater and not pee
69. do that fishingline/catching a fish dance with a stranger at the club-bar
70. give someone a ride and not worry about gas tank
71. go on a date with an active member of the military
72. subscribe to cable tv
73. be curse-free for three days
74. drink only water for a week
75. pass by a dog and look at the owner, not just the dog
76. eat a McDonald Happy Meal
77. at the car tool booth, pay for the dude behind me
78. not mention to Cameron about my "back pains" and menstrual cycle for two months
79. call my grandparents every weekend for a month
80. dry myself completely before putting on lotion for a week
81. smack a hot guy's ass (must be complete stranger and not at a bar)
82. touch a girl's nipples (must not know her beforehand)
83. pee in the snow
84. visit Vegas
85. wash car once a week for a month
86. do the tango in a public restroom
87. play at a kids playground (hopscotch, jumprope, the works)
88. have a BBQ or picnic on top of a New York City building's rooftop
89. say hi and make eyecontact with all the gross ugly guys that say hi to me for one day
91. successfully sprout beans
92. send one care package every three months
93. make out with an 18 year old
94. style hair for an entire week
95. do the Carlton on the streets asking for change from passersby, cup to hold money
96. read a new book a month for a year (at least 200 pages)
97. kiss a frog on the lips
98. grab a guy's crotch (didn't know him beforehand)
99. pick up my doggie's poop for a week
100. swing on one of those lake tire swings
101. use a sewing machine and make something useful

I hate it when people reply to emails and their reply messages are at the very bottom of the email. Who the hell wants to scroll five feet down to read one insignificant sentence? NOT ME.

Anywho, I also hate it when people leave me notes and place it RIGHT ON my computer screen, keyboard, or mice. If you place that post-it note or huge piece of paper next to my essential working tools, I'll see them. There is no need to tape a 8x11 note on my lamp.

In addition, if you bring a huge box of supplies to my lab, you can place it on my desk. No need to plomp it down on my chair. I will see the 10lb box of papers and pens. What? Am I going to sit in my chair and go, "Ouch. What have I just sat upon? Oh it's a huge fucking box of shit. My bad for not seeing it."

*I only have 49! HELP MEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Because I am bored, I am copying this guy's.

The Mission: Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.
The Criteria: Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).

Starting Now!

1. visit California
2. go to graduate school
3. adopt a dog from those pet societies (for at least a week)
4. try ecstacy and make it work
5. hug a Wal-Mart employee
6. drink a milkshake from Cook-Out!
7. travel afar to meet someone from the internet
8. visit Hawaii
9. visit my dad in Winston-Salem and actually stay there overnight
10. learn three long-winded sentences in Mandarin
11. not make fun of my brother's chin pubes
12. wake up on a Monday and not want to murder someone
13. fly a kite
14. meet a celebrity and totally shun him/her
15. feel guilty for shunning a celebrity and ask for autograph and/or pic
16. paint another portrait
17. bring Cameron a housewarming gift
18. befriend a marijuana drug dealer
19. pass by someone wearing tapered pants and say hi
20. bartend
21. run 5K in under 28 minutes
22. eat a chocolate covered bug
23. do a cartwheel in a museum
24. kiss a homeless man on the lips
25. swim in a lake EWWW
26. have sexuals in the movie theaters
27. snowboard
28. learn how to kill someone in just one move
29. watch an entire Bruce Lee movie without falling asleep
30. watch Matrix 3 for the second time
31. not poop for one day
32. tell someone fat that they need to lose weight
33. tell someone skinny that they need to lose weight
34. drink 1/3 a bottle of tobasco sauce
35. work a full 8 day for one week
36. hold a two minute conversation with heebijeebie neighbor
37. invite neighbor for drinks
38. go on a date with someone I meet from the grocery store
39. not read any gossip columns (paper or online) for a 7 days straight
40. be vegan again for a month
41. treat my aunt for dinner
42. treat my dad to lunch two times in a row
43. win at least $5 on the lottery
44. learn how to play poker
45. take a pic sitting on Santa's lap
46. tickle a mall cop
47. fart really loud in a bookstore and pretend nothing happened
48. smoke an entire cigarrette
49. get Parker drunk
50.

It was lunch with pops day today. I told him about my plans of moving to the forest and hunting my own food, instead of working for someone else and buying food from the grocery store. Dad said that he used to dream about living in the mountains and growing his own stuff (by stuff, I assume vegetables). I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the treet, now does it?

Is it legal to put death threats on the internet? I am angry and I want to kill someone. But it has to be someone people care about, someone people love and hate at the same time. Actually, I don't want to kill anyone, I just want to punch him in the face. Yes, it has to be a male, not a female. My aggression shall be displaced on a young male, about yay high and with brown hair. He would have to be beefy so my first punch won't knock him down because I want to wail on him for at least a good ten minutes. Any volunteers?

Oh and I got a 5.5 out of 6 on the writing portion of the GRE. Thanks blogspot! WOO HOO!

You know whats annoying?
When some guy tells you you've lost weight. I mean, I dont want him to notice that shit because then obviously I was fat enough for him to notice me being less fat. I don't think anyone should tell anyone if they've lost or gain weight if they are not close personal friends. Nobody likes a fattie.

Nowadays, radio stations play Black Eyed Pea's "Lets Get it Started" and not their offensive original version, "Let's Get Retarded."

However, while I was in New York they blared the objectionable version on Z100. It was 1am and we were on the way to Crobar when the song came on. Chris turned up the radio and everyone in the car started acting real retarded, flaring their arms and singing the song.

So do radio stations think people with mental retardation do not stay up past 1am, making it okay to play the derogatory song or do they play it because anyone listening to Z100 is retarded?

i am so indecisive when it comes lunch time. i can't decide whether to go home and play with parker or go on a walk during lunch. My wavering tendencies are so bad I have to whip out a quarter and play heads or tails.

I saw another cute doctor guy today! He has spikey blonde hair and wears blue scrubs. I shall name him Justin Timberlake.