Buying a Christmas and birthday gift for me is quite a feat so I have listed some things that people should refrain from purchasing during the holiday season.

1. No makeup sets
2. no pajamas
3. no jewelry
4. no keychains (unless a key to a new car is attached)
5. no posters (unless it's a black/white of New York)
6. NOOO bath items; e.g. robes, lotion, bath bubbles.
7. no stuffed animals
8. no fuzzy slippers
9. no kitchen gadgets
10. no candles
11. no purses
12. no books (unless low-carb cookbook)
13. no lingerie
14. NOOO candy/food
15. noo calendars
16. no picture frames/ picture books

Things that I would LOOVEEE:

1. yes Sopranos dvds season 1, 2, 3, or 4
2. yes Matrix reloaded dvd
3. YESSS Deep Red perfume by Hugo Boss!!
4. yes silver-only watch
5. yes massager
6. yes CASH (to pay off credit card)
7. yes batteries for my little friend

So, I've decided not to post anything if nothing interesting has happened to me or if I can't think of anything humorous to talk about. I apologize for false advertising my blog. Absolut Insanity will be updated daily if I got something to say.

So what is Thanksgiving about? I dont know, but don't you hate it when people list everything they're thankful for? I will do the opposite today. I will list all the things I'm not thankful for in my life.

1. Being allergic to dogs - I once loved furry animals but that has all changed. Now, I can't breath from sneezing so much and I want to die from the itch on the roof of my mouth whenever I get three feet near a canine
2. Slow metabolism - Thanks to all the alcohol and calorie dense food I ingested during my early college years, the insane weight loss my junior year, and then the necessary regain of weigh in senior year, my metabolism has turned into a big fat bitch. I hate everyone that can eat whatever they want and not freak out about the fat buldging out at the waist of their jeans.
3. Static cling - what is the use of this annoying natural occurrence? It really bothers me when my skirt rides up my ass.
4. Television - a news medium that entertains but also destroys lives. The television keeps my mind occupied with high impact visual stimuli, but it also makes me realize how poor I am. There's a show on MTV, "Rich Girls,' that really makes me feel like a derelict. Why would I want to watch two girls, younger than me, spend more money than I would ever have in seven lifetimes? Go to hell Tommy Hilfiger and your children!
5. Small bladder - I have a bladder the size of a lima bean. When my friends and I go to the movies, I have to call "edge seat" so I can run to the restroom as many times as needed without disturbing others who are tyring to enjoy the pleasures of the theater. Last weekend, I saw Matrix Revolutions with Cameron and jogged to the ladies room five times. I couldn't sprint as fast as usual since I was wearing button-fly jeans. I didn't miss any vital scenes, but next time iI'll wear a skirt.

Guess what I'm doing for work today? I am sitting with the IT crew in one of the MBA classrooms and watching Lord of the Rings Two Towers. Since the students have no class and most of the faculty are gone, us staffers who haven't taken the week off are being diligent and "working". Sometimes, work is awesome. I am really lucky to be working at a place that has movie vacation days.

I can't see. I lost my contact this morning so I scrunged up an old pair to stick in my eyes. They are so fuzzy and dirtay, I don't even know what's going on right now. It's almost like I'm drunk, walking around with blurry vision.

Lately, guys are choosing to drink diet soda and low-carb beer. Are males starting to feel the pressures of mainstream society to maintain physical beauty? It's about damn time.

Here's a trick for all you girls out there: If you're being followed by a creepy maintenance worker at the apt or leered at by an ugly guy at the bar, take one of your rings, stick it through your left hand ring finger, turn it around so only the band shows, and flash your make-shit wedding ring by rubbing your eye. If the guy has any sense, he will assume you are already taken and will move onto his next victim.

I have nothing interesting to say as of yet.

Does anyone understand Matrix Revolutions?!