this is fantastically retarded. and i feel bad typing out retarded because it is non-pc. now, where is my medusa frame of mind? my heart of stone? i need it back. no more revealing feelings of inner feelings and thoughts to stupid crushes. they are retarded.

i miss california but dont tell my friends that. they should move to cali so we can all hang out all the time. shhhhhh!!!

them strippers can dance.. well one could with the pole.. i wanna learn how to pole dance, snowboard, and surf before i die. spank you.

ill briefly mention the boy from school who likes me and made me tell him i like him too. anyway, on a sadder note. i can't fit into stupid clothes anymore. i got skinny then gained weight and now i'm beyond what i need to be. fucker! bah. i'm depressed and it's my bday and i couldn't fit into the dresses i tried on at BR. What a depressing experience. fuckers. okay that is all. now i must get happy because i am 26 and i dont want to feel sad or fat anymore. bah!

i'm such in a foul mood because boy hasn't text me back after I texted him a merry xmas. what a disappointment. i'm trying not to take such little things personally, but it's hard. i know he's no good for me and that we have major life style differences, yet i am compelled to seek his attention. why, damnit, why?

is it because i have low-esteem and i try to find acceptance from someone who isn't the best that god has to offer? if he doesn't accept me then nobody else will? possibly. is it because i have no better prospects out there and i am taking the first cute guy who i know and making him into something more than he should be? maybe. is it because there was a major drought in the boy department and he was the first sign of the upcoming rainy season? probably.

well, until i get my senses together and my pride intact, i shall sit here and stew. hopefully in the next two hours and 42 minutes i will get over him because i will be 26. i will be officially over my quarter life crises. yes, thank you!

Why am I having the biggest aversion to the ex? I want to hurl when I think about seeing him. But Why? Okay, so he's not the best looking kid on the block, but he isn't hideous. I think it's guilt. I'm thinking he's still not over me and pining about me and wishing things were different.

I feel bad because I knew it wouldn't work out between us because I wanted something different and I knew he wouldn't be able to provide that for me. I love cute boys and he never did it for me. I feel HORRIBLE. I can't face him because it makes me feel like a bad person to make someone feel sad. Ugh. It's so gross.

i'm afraid of stds.

The new type of relationship out there is the Textionship. Remember back in eighth grade when you were dating and the relationship consisted of only phone calls? Well, now most people are dating via text messages. Who has the time to hold a conversation nor let alone want to talk on the phone for more than three minutes? I don't. Boy has OCD and ADHD so he doesn't have time to hang out during the weekdays (not surprising to me seeing that I knew this beforehand and I used to be really OCD before the happy drugs came back into town). So, we revert to texting on the weekdays Is this healthy? Who the hell knows. Is it better than the AIMship? Possibly, because one can travel with the phone and not the computer. So onward and upward with textionship.

oh update. me and boy are still hanging out. haha

I am totally sad tonight. I texted boy tonight to see if he wanted to hang out and he texted back many hours later, "Not 2nite sweetie. Miss you though.." OKay. What the fuck? One turn-down is okay. Two in one week is not okay. Fine. It's dunzo.

I feel like a total ass because I put myself out there twice. Usually, I do it once and then if there is not bite, then I reel it back and go home.

Maybe I shouldn't have hookedu up with him so soon. Maybe I shouldn't have told him I thought he was cute. I should have told him he was a directionless Californian and that he will never get anywhere in life being a big freaking pothead.

I dont like feeling sad or rejected. I am taking this harshly because he is my first Californian boy and he is a tard. If I can't even keep a tard around, how will I keep a normal person around? Ugh. I don't like tearing myself down so I am going to stop.

So boy is a tard. And that is all. :P

I just went to get my laundry and there was a nice little note attached to the washer: "Jackass. Don't do laundry after 9pm. Read the Struz-Levette manual." Hmm, Okay I agree 1030pm is a little late to do laundry. I thought the deadline was 10pm. Calling me a "jackass" is taking it a bit too far. This person was obviously crabby and was not happy to hear the shakings of the washer, thus, having to go to the extremes of labeling a stranger a type of four-legged animal. I think a nicer letter would have been appropriate. Now, if I really was a jackass, I would knock on one of their doors (don't know which guy put the note there) and then punch him in his face. However, I am a lovely person, so the next time I run into the person who left me a such a wonderful note I will give him a hug then follow the hug with a knee kick into his groin. YEA!

So this dumbass lady came into the store today to pick up shoes that were transfered from a different store. The clerk at the San Fran store sent the mens version of the running shoe instead of the womens. Now, the lady, let's call her Holli, went ballistic. I first helped her last week to get the shoes transfered and she copped this huge attitude. She complained that the shoes that she always wants are never in stock. I nicely explained that they are not as popular, but our other store carried them. She, with an attitude, said she would wait for the transfer.

Holli came to pick up her damn shoes tonight and when I apologized for having th wrong shoe, stated quite loudly, "THAT IS SO ANNOYING!" I told her the right pair will come on Friday. She turned to her boyfriend and whined/shouted, "I DONT WANT TO WAIT!" She then proceeded to run out of the store to continue with her hissyfit. Seriously, she went outside to cry or shout for being frustrated for having to wait for her shoes. People, this lady was about 28 probably hitting 30 and she was throwing the biggest tantrum. I have never witnessed such bitchiness or attitude in my life from a customer. We are a mom and pop running store. Not footlocker. We ain't going to carry every shoe in every size and people buy shit during the day so we're not going to be 100% stocked.

The boyfriend of this bitch had to tell us to hold on while he went outside to calm her down. I say it's her bad luck she never gets her shoes on time because she's such a bitch. Seriously. She rolled her eyes about three times, uttered several sighs, and bitched, "I DON"T WANT TO WAIT" about thrice.

At first I felt bad for the cute boyfriend, but then I'm thinking, this dude is a grownass man. He can leave that whiney stupid whore. Also, he's feeding into her whinyness by chasing after her to calm down and then speaking for her because she's too childish to talk to the employees after she gets pissed. Furthermore, she talked to him like he was five, "Are you sure you want that color? You should try it on first. You won't like it on your foot. Are you sure?" The entire time she rolled her dumb little eyes. Wow. Bitch!

i'm so sad that he may or may not love me. ugh. i hate this game. or do i love it???

How the hell am I supposed to take the text, "I would sexy lady, but I'm about to pass out." Now, i texted him, "Wanna hang for a lil bit 2nite?"

First, the boy has insomnia. How is he going to pass out if he can't sleep like a normal person. Second, what normal guy turns down a bootycall on a Monday night? If anything, he should be glad that I want to hang out with him. He should also be ecstatic that I want to make some sweet lovin with him and he should be thrilled that he has the opportunity to relieve stress after a long hard day at work. That stupid bastard would rather "sleep" than cash in on this booty chip. Well to hell with him.

On another note, short boy from school who is wicked cute is still dealing with exgirlfriend with cancer. I, apparently, am the last thing on his mind, which is understandable. What isn't understandable is why did he date a 19 year old girl in the first place? Ugh. Currently, he is dead to me more than my dead hamster.

Cameron is pushing pothead coworker because he doesn't shave his legs or breakdances on the weekend. Korey thinks pothead is a freakshow because he still lives at home and has little direction. Krystal hates pothead because I'm getting booty and she still has trash piled up high.

after much requests (two), ive decided to write more on the blog and less on myspace and facebook. I do have a lot more stories now that Ive been hanging out with my co-worker and going to the bars at night. i shall post more later.

Tyra, I haven't written anything amusing in ages!!! Blame grad school man. They force us to write like 3209842 papers a quarter.

On a side note, my current hookup is going to a boxing match tonight with his brother who is my manager. They booked a hotel and plan to find hoochies to take back and "have fun with- no strings attached." What the hell!?!?

So my plan tomorrow at work is to tell my current hookup that I get jealous thinking about him kissing other girls and sharing saliva. Also, that being jealous is something I don't care to be so we must end our escapades.

Now, is this me cutting off my nose to spite my face??????

i think i will put absolut insanity to rest. it has had its good run. hahah for about the first two years. i will keep this site on the web so people can read the old posts and think about the good ole days. love yall! bye bye :)

i am mad that my lover called me for directions to the library.

first he asks me what i'm doing and how i'm doing...then he gently asks how to get to the library. what a freaking punk. i thought he was goin to ask me to go out after asking me what i was up to. stupid craphead.

now that school is almost over for this quarter i can get back to the normal swing of things like blogging.

i really miss new york and its sights and sounds. i usually go to the big apple during xmas and hang out with family and see rockafeller center. nowadays, i head home to good old north carolina and hang around with friends and family too, but there's nothing like tall buildings, frosty air, and homeless people to make the holidays special.

you know you're in california when your bagel tastes like hippie.

Sorry Blog for being absent. All this class paper writing makes me not want to type stories. AHHH!!! I"M SORRIE. PLEASE FORGIVE ME. I WILL BE BACK ...sometime.. until then, read some old stuff. :P

i need sleep damnit. DAMNIT!!!

not a lot of people get second chances...and i think ive had about 3092842 chances, and about 3092841 of those chances occured via the bicicleta. so i'm lucky. i feel like a person in an AA meeting. You know how they make them alcoholics go back and apologize to all the people they fucked over or tell the people in their lives how much they mean to them? Well, that's me now. Hahah I'm an alcoholic bicyclist. AB anonymous..although it's hard to stay anon bc i talk so much and i'm pretty loud.

so i went out tonight and told everyone about my trauma and shit. feels good to get it out there and get sympathy. maybe i can sqeeze a few free drinks and meals from this. hahha. yay.

i have been in a mini-hell. also i'm so damn sleepy sitting in class so i have mentally checked out.

HEY THERE!!! I"M BACK!!

okay. i'm going to see how long i can lsat listening to my research group supervisor b4 i tune him out....

yall miss me? i miss me too :P

anywho, lots been going on and things are well. i'm really busy and enjoying life in cali. YAY. this morning i had way too many difficulties involving the bike. the bike is my car and now i'm like wtf!

there was a benefit leaving a bunch of shit in the trunk of my car and not having to pack for the journey each day. let's just say carrying 50 tons of crap on the back of my bike (thank god i got a crate thingy so i can heal my spine better) really gives me a challenge with staying balanced on two wheels. i'm constantly thinking, "OKAY NOW. BOTH FEET ON THE GROUND" when i stop because tipping ova is not fun.

i know ive been talking a lot of about bike and biking because i have ptsd symptoms from the accident and without talking to a psychologist about it, i'm venting through blogs, comments, and body pain complaints/airings. once i get on the ball to talking to a professional (yes i dont count...yet) ima talk about every bike experience i have. BOOYOW.

um. yo. stanford hotties are back in town. yay.

howdy.

looks like ive been missing in action. the first two weeks of school are okay. a lot easier than last year in terms of adjusting and learning what is going on in class and the clinic. right now i'm struggling with staying awake. i realized i probably only had about three hours of sleep last night seeing that i didn't get home until 9 from seeing a client, then walk the dog, do stretching/yoga, then i had homework to do, then eat dinner of sorts....so then wake up to haul ass to class and homework and now a meeting. back on the caffiene bandwagon.. i never really fell off, but now it's vital!

on a bright note, class was canceled so i got a ton of reading done. excitiinnngggg. and i get to see updated xrays from the chiro's. i may stop seeing him and wait for the neurologist because the chiro is getting on my nerves..literally. the improvement has leveled off and now i'm back at bone crackingling in the morning.

the 'non-crazy' pills are working well and i'm doing better in trying to keep it chill. i feel very slow on the drugs because i'm not evved up with anxiety, which got me to get things done fast and efficiently. now i get things done slow and somewhat efficiently because i still get out of the door at the same hour/time. however my clothes piles are horrendous. i will tackle that tonight along with two books i need to read for school and a paper.. and probably a stack of articles. ohh the joys of grad school :P

omg. tried xanax and all the muscle back spasms went away and the psychotic thoughts of suicide. i felt normal and did not have to constantly rub my fucked up shoulders and neck. wow. how wonderful it is to not be in pain and enjoy life.

i love drugs. drugs drugs drugs.

i hate the wind i hate the cold i hate air conditioning
i love soy sauce, cute boys, and pungent nice smells.
i miss my mom and dad.
i hate feeling pain from the bike accident.

i'm scared as shit to see my first real client tomorrow. what the hell am i going to say? i have the same problems as he does so how the hell am i going to help him? AHHHH!!!

on a lighter note, i have 15 tabs of good ole xanax. wooo. never taken it before but hey, there's a first time for everything.

i've decided that the bay area chill/wind is terrible and my body is not made for norcal breeze. i dont like it here and i will admit it. however, i hate nc humidity too. BLAH! maybe there are drugs made for people with sensitive weather patterns. i shall blame my mother's genetics and the aging process for this one.

i'm totally turning schizophrenic.

i started this week. it's so weird seeing people in collared shirts and khaki pants. there's the clinic where you have to dress nice and write progress notes and see clients. then there's school where we attend class, wear sweatpants and play on the internet. so now i have to lug around two outfits. instead of living out of my car, like i used to in NC, i am living off of my bike. i look like either a fun bicycle commuter or a crazy bag lady.

no wanna go to skool. skool sucks.

shoulder back pain spasms. dying.

the best investment i have made in a long time. a soft toilet seat for a cushy bathroom experience and a warm place to sit on when the winter arrives. who wants to pee when their bum hits cold ceramic? not i. not i.

also, second best investment. a rearview mirror for my bike so i dont have to turn my head or listen like a hawk for murderers in cars. it's like driving now, but not really.

no wanna go to school.
manager dork.
high on tar fumes from construction across the street.
night.

hiatus. yep. for another week or two. i know you're holding y'alls breath.

my current fantasy: living at home, not paying rent, working, and doing nothing.

my current status: living in cali, paying rent, working, and doing nothing. so two out of four aint bad.

hey yall. blogger has been down and i couldn't log on to do my paltry posts. i am back on the anti-crazy pills and i'm off the popular crazy pills/baby killing pills. hopefully i will not go into complete dire hibernation when winter hits.

anywho, i got nothing. seriously, if i go on a date with the manager. kill me.

ima refuse to talk to my manager because everything that comes out of his mouth is crap. if i don't talk to him i don't have to listen to his response. he talks on his own enough. he loves the sound of his own voice apparently.

i feel like puking.

my manager is freaking crazy. for five minutes he was telling me that i was a small in this running pants and that a medium would be too big. one week later, he's telling another employee that the company runs big, and i said, you told me i was a small when i couldn't even breathe in those pants. his reply was, no i told you were a medium and that the small would be too small. he does this shit all the time. he's like i showed you how to do this in the computer and i'm like, um, you are crazy, i would remember. god douchebags are so fucking weird.

also, i'm like, should i put in my two weeks notice? he goes, "no, just right on the september schedule the days you are available. you'll just work here one or two days a week."

i swear this boy's head is either talking shit about the other manager, talking shit about other employees, thinking about his peni5, planning out his soccer game, or enjoying the sound of his very loud and obnoxious voice.

kill me if i ever agree on going on a date with him. he's so fucking annoying. him and the other manager are trying to wear me down so i will agree to go out with either one of them. fuckers. i will not give in to their douchebag demands or innuendos.

being a student and working for paltry wages has turn me into the biggest klepto. this is so reminscent of my middle school, highschool, and college days. man, i miss salary sometimes.

omg. trying to pee while doped up on tylenol pm is one of the hardest and strangest experience in the world. it's worse than taking five shots of tequila.

apparently he was just "pushing my buttons." wtf.

so my manager wants to let me go in the fall bc i won't be able to work "full time" hours while i go to school.

he goes, "ive always worked full time and went to school." my retort was, "well i'm in a full time phd program and it's pretty intense."

there's a huge difference between taking two classes at the nearest community college and a phd clinical psychology program. asswipe.

i'm sorry i don't want to go on a date with you. you dont have to take it out on my work schedule. this is what happens when you jilt a guy who is used to gettin the ladies. what a dumbass.

i think i will be on hiatus for a while..until school starts or something.

why does my manager feel the need to shower me with gross sexual innuendos? if he was like forty i would slap a lawsuit on his ass, but at 23, this boys got no money.

yea i got nothing

i'm getting fat and that is so not freaking cool

ugh i got an A- in psychopharm. damnit! that brings my gpa down from a 4.0 to a something not a 4.0.

so it's straight up summa in palo alto. you know what that means. i'm getting fat, my body is geared up for making loving and babies, and im' gettin out again. uh oh.

i actually let myself have a lazy sunday. i didn't work out first thing in the morning. i sat in my bed for approximately 3 hours watching Rescue Me before i went to the pool to do laps. what the hell?!?!?! letting myself be happy?!?!? what kind of shit is that?!

now i am considering going to a bbqb..however it is kind of far away and yall know how much i hate driving and wasting gas. damn miserly life!

dying of heat stroke.

the manager's bro is 25 ..26 in a couple of weeks. the manager won't stop bothering me and he's only bustin my balls because i won't give him the time of day. however, tomorrow i may go drinking with them. WOAH! hahha

and i waved to this really cute curly haired blonde guy yesterday. totally not my type but really cute.

how the hell do i spend 600 on food a month and i eat nothing? it's like 20 a day on random crap and by crap i mean fruits and veges and random expensive ingredients. AHHH!!! freakshow!

the man hunt is going. i like my manager's brother who happens to be a freakshow confederate. cool.

yea i got nothing. i'm turning into my mother and aunts. they are very solitary individuals who live independent lives. omg. seroiusly. i'm turning into my aunts! oh well :P

i really need to buckle down and find me a sugar daddy. it's gettin real bad with the finances lately. forget about loves and crushes. old dirty men here i come!

in the one year ive been in cali i have put a grand 3000 miles on my car. i'm goin to attempt to get an oil change.

the juice fast lasted two hours. omg. the people at whole foodz knows i'm stealing from the salad bar and snack bin. this one guy has his eye on me and it ain't pretty!

i'm goin go try fasting for a couple of days. it's not going to pretty for others :P

is everyone getting younger or is it me? my pseudo-manager looks and acts 27 but he is 23. wtf. ew. i am so over him. gross.

yea the unicycler goes to whole foods/wellspring on a daily basis, as do i, so i run into his dumbass. plus, we live in the same town so he hits up the library and bikes the blocks..pardon, unicycles the same blocks as moi. he is gross and stupid.

seriously. stop talking to me if i have my earphones on. the stupid unicycle guy chatted it up with me today at the store. he is a freakshow.

also, when i'm running or biking, don't stop to ask me for directions!!! it takes all mental and physical effort for me to keep moving. ass!

this blog is for you tyra ty ty.

if you've seen harold and kumar then you must be familiar with the "XTREME" douchebags. they walk around all juiced up on mountain dew and ride around in their bikes screaming awesome and hi-fiving. apparently, A LOT of people are like that in cali and they're not even faking it. it's 9am and i just finished a run, still groggy from being alive, and walk into the chiros. the receptionist is a highly chipper fellow about my age and when he asks me how i am, i slowly reply, "okay." then i politely ask him how he is and he shouts, "AWESOME!!!" seriously. how can anyone be awesome at 9am? and this is like everday. he is on drugs.

It is 60 degrees. Today was 70 and windy. Pretty perfect for a July. No humidity. Jealous? Yes you are.

Today is Sunday. My last post was Thursday. Today I tackled many hills on the bicycle and I feel like Superlady now. During the ride, I felt like DYING.

I'm back on the DVD ride! I am doing the "rent three movies" for a flat fee at Hollywood video. I foresee a very boring yet technologically entertaining July.

seriously. why do i have a blog? i have nothing interesting to say. i did almost get run over AGAIN. i leave the chiropractors, walk to the stoplight, wait patiently for the white lighted man to tell me to cross and this biotch takes a left and almost hits me. she was about two feet from knockin me over. i yelled, "FUCKING WHORE" so loud i think the entire intersection heard.

can we talk about how i think david beckham is really really attractive and why does posh look like a freakshow alien?

PS i am going to the chiropractors everyday for the next two weeks, then three times a week for the next two months. wtf?!?!!

i have whiplash and my neck bends the wrong direction. i also have scoliosis which has been aggravated from the accident. um, and i have an ambulance chaser on the case. booyow!

i'm still alive. i just dont get home till like 9 and i'm too tired to coalesce my thoughts. i work with one cute guy but he could be gay. surprise!

pain. chiropractor. insurance people are bitches. lawyer. yea thats all my mind can handle right now.

at least once a week i am asked about my height and usually 9 out of 1o times, they don't believe i am only 5'8''. people think i am at least 5'10'' even in flip flops. i take it as a compliment. and i seriously slouch when i sit and probably when i stand as well. citizens of america believe that i "carry" myself "well." if carrying oneself means leaning against the counter wishing the work day will end, then so be it. who am i to argue.

today is a weird day. my friend's mom died, my friend got engaged, and some other stuff happened that i can't remember.

i got a year's worth of crazy pills for free!!! GO CALIFORNIA!

Some douchbag in a uni-cycle, who ive seen around town and has pet parker, wanted to "race" me today. apparently, i need ear phones that are more obvious because ignoring utterings from people by pretending i am listening to music does not work.

FREAKSHOWS PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM ME!!!

maybe getting drunken texts and stalkers is God saying, "hey, it's your turn!"

i dont know why i'm so annoyed with the ex texting me. he only texts when he's drunk and this last time, it was complete jibberish.
i want him to be over me because it's annoying thinking about him thinking about me. bah!

okay. whats up with the stalkers. i was walking parker and this dude walks up next to me and goes "do you go to stanford?" and i said no. and looked away. then he goes, "you look familiar" and i smiled and walked really really fast. i realized that he was the same dude that attacked me on his bike at 7 in the morning. ew. he is a stalker. i am afraid. :(

why did someone ask me to help him find a cookbook and then say he was going to 'think about buying one."

yea, i caught on to your pickup game. your friends hanging out by the stairs while you try to hit on the female browsing the cookbooks.

one, you are like seventeen. two, you are pseudo-gay. and three, your friends suck because they are major cockblocks just by standing there.

well then. i got nothing to say.

I AM FREAKING DONE WITH MY FIRST YEAR OF GRAD SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL! thanks all for your support and reading the insanities! YAYAYAYAYYAYAA. PASSED THE TWO EXAMS. SWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET

i am deathly afraid of tomorrows comp. :( i had about several mental incidents today.

one more to go! one more to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YAY! passed clinical comps. thank god.

SOBE not working. must go out and get espresso shots. falling asleep. AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

female 0rgasmic disorder should be renamed male navigation disorder.

it's totally true. misery does love company. now whos with me?!?!

i am experiencing a cycle of emotions that include nausea, anxiety, delirirum, confusion, inattention, intense happiness, intense sadness, suicide ideation, need for peen, anger at peen, hatred, love, and pure exhaustion. WOO HOO!

looks like i have to start looking half decent in public because i'm running into people i know. aye!!! that means i have to brush my teeth and put on clean clothing or at least shorts without ketchup stains.

in addition to purchasing stock in Febreeze, ima buy shares of SOBE lean energy drink and all other caffeinated beverages. too bad i dont like coffee because thats way cheaper than buying individual cans or bottles of liquid crack.

i hate the following people.
1. ones who have away message up that says
a. doing nothing
b. relaxing
c. sitting on couch
d. outside
e. having fun
Basically anything that has nothing to do with studying or cramming
2. easy going fun loving people


i love the following people.
1. ones who freak out like i do
2. ones who study all the time
3. ones who mentally murder people as they walk by
4. hot guys

You know what's really cool? Running and people stopping me to ask for directions. Pick the slowass 80 year old walking behind me and don't stop runners in their tracks. Freaskhows.

You know what's even cooler? Bikers biking next to me and asking me for my number. Not only do I have to take out my ear plugs to see what the hell they want, I have to talk in the middle of my hyperventilating run to reply to their compliments. Like I'm going to call you, asshole. Oh yes it is flattering that you think sweaty, nappy ole me is attractive as I run, but you are one dumbass mother if you think I'm goin to call you after you almost hit me with your bike at the stop light and then cycle next to me for two blocks to ask me where I go to school and if I want to get coffee. DIE YOU ASS!

And PS. I asked for his card and immediately threw it away when I got home. There is no way he could garner any respect from me after that show.

so i have insomnia or something. ive never had sleeping problems until now. wtf.

anyway, i made my own little ihop last nite. went to the grocery store at 1am and got me some waffles, eggs, sausage, strawberries, sugar-free maple syrup and had me a feast. then i could go to bed. hmm..is this why i'm gettin fatter?

i'm banning the following foods. baked goods and cheese. this is gettin ridic. ive gained like 3 lbs in two weeks. ass!

i believe that because i do not have a loud ass horn on my bike i am allowed to throw shit at cars and drivers. how would i logistically do so? maybe carry around a potato gun and shoot it at drivers who don't look both ways or stick their dumbass cars in the middle of the road so i have to swerve, then make the drivers behind me swerve as well. fucking whores.

who's got a potato gun i can borrow. one last note, i always want to spell potato with an e. i was subconsciously affected by al gore's mistake as a child. fucker. :)

woah. that is so fucked up. people making fake medicine. woah. that is messed up.

I set my alarm for 8am.

I woke up and saw the clock.

It displayed, 11:59am.

Nice. Four hour later than I anticipated and I've been sitting at the library for the past hour and half doing nothing.

Hm...school should end before spring. Thank god I never attened year-round school because who the hell wants to sit in a classroom when it's sunny and perfect outside?

My ankle hurts.

omg. i actually want to go out than stay home and do work and eat lots of food. I want a lil loving.. ha. gross.

i essentially made myself a sugar sandwhich.

haha i have a new goal of calling people to say hi and not to dispense drama or crises. i refrain from calling because i'm never in a good mood and i dont want to pretend to be happy on the phone, second i feel like other people have things to do other than "chat" because who really chats these days, and third, nothing happens in my life worth mentioning. there's only so much you can say about studying. :X

the guy was not there and that day was a terrible day. ha. yes. yes. i like how everyone at school is acting and thinking the same as moi. makes me feel normal.

glass
case
of
emotions

cute guy in park better be there today! that's all i have to say about this.

life aint right.
1. i aint got no toilet paper
2. i aint got no gum
3. i'm beatin my dog for stepping in his pee
4. i haven't had a night off in forever
5. i wont have a night off for the next three weeks
6. i'm sounding like my dad
7. i want a job

oh dear.

what i did today:
1. studied
2. flicked two cars as they honked at me biking because i took up the entire lane. i am allowed to take up the whole lane and i will from now on so you bitches can honk all you want. fuckers.
3. i found a salad bar buffet place JUST like sweet tomatoes. i may dare to say even better? haha. and it's just like jasons in a way too!!! I AM SO CONTENT!!! yay!

i am so sick of school. eff this.

Stress does this to me:

eat plain food
absence of dreams
desire to clean
no time to clean
see dirt every where
avoid talking
avoid people i know
pluck eyebrows
shop
walk
activate ans system
buy random shit i dont need
say things i mean
then regret saying things
avoid the home
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
insomnia
sleep onset problems
breathing difficulties
tachycardia
early morning substance abuse
indigestion
irritability
confusion
lowered self esteem
inability to focus
memory loss

biking in 20mph wind is freaking insane. it's like trying to fight your way through a north carolina buffet line on sunday brunch coinciding with mother's day. speaking of buffets, i am trying one tonight, the only one in a 340924 mile radius! i'm hungry. going to get food.

salad makes my stomach hurt. what doesn't make it hurt? freaking acid from perpertual anxiety and stress. i hate school. did i ever say i hated work when i was workin?

1. my ass hurts
2. my arm hurts
3. i dont want to be here
4. what is going on
5. where is my diet soda?
6. everyone needs to die and go away.

so i was off the crazy pills for a couple of days because my rx ran out but i'm back on it..three days later off schedule. anywho, looks like everything is back on track. glasscase of emotions, hatred, liable mood, cravings for glucose, wanting and not wanting the peen, etc.

so the cutest tall boy was walkin down the street with his posse and he turned around to look at parker and i and tripped on the sidewalk. it was funny and i laughed aloud, per usual. he wore a boston hat and i wanted to say something about the EAST SIDE but he was obviously embarrassed, i had to get home to do work, and his posse was too big infiltration. it was like he was j.lo without the booty and zombie for a husband.

There is a note on the faculty fridge that says Students Do Not Use. Apparently, the 2x2 fridge for the 100 or so students who are always at school is sufficient. Bastards. Well the stupid crazy lady in accounting is a bitch for putting the note there. I am angry and anxious and don't need notes. Say it to my face biotch!

I notice a trend here. Notes instead of confrontation in California. First, the doggypoopy note and now the don't use our fridge note. What next? Stop breathing the California air note? Ass!

did i tell you how i stopped a homeless man from smothering his dirty nasty self all over Parker at the local 7-11? Yea, i felt bad but i didn't feel bad enough to not crush a mentally disordered gross individual from smothering my dog with the fresh scent of crazy.

am i supposed to fall down and start bawling because i can't do a sun salutation during yoga? it's not like i wanted to cry and nor can i feel the pain, but when my arm starts shaking and i topple over and then yell in agony, then i guess that's pain. i'm not letting myself register it because then i'll be indisposed. fucking bitch!

took down biking incident report. ha. let me know if you wanna hear the story.

Collision Type #2:

The Door Prize:
A driver opens his door right in front of you. You run right into it if you can't stop in time. If you're lucky, the motorist will exit the car before you hit the door, so you'll at least have the pleasure of smashing them too when you crash, and their soft flesh will cushion your impact.

Collision Type #4:

The Right Hook:
A car passes you and then tries to make a right turn directly in front of you, or right into you. They think you're not going very fast just because you're on a bicycle, so it never occurs to them that they can't pass you in time. Even if you have to slam on your brakes to avoid hitting them, they often won't feel they've done anything wrong. This kind of collision is very hard to avoid because you typically don't see it until the last second, and because there's nowhere for you to go when it happens.
bicyclesafe.com

anyone have suggestions on what to do about Bike-Runner-Over-Girl? i have neck pains and i dont want to pay for future medical expenses.

never have i ever been so happy in finding blank sheets of printing paper :X . i was going to have to fish old printouts to use the backside of it because i can't waste time to buy more paper :X.

if i wrote a book, would anyone read it?

oh and have i mentioned the physical symptoms? ulcers, eye-twitches, cramps, neck pains, back pains, gastrointestinal issues, nutritional deficiency and hyperventilation?

happiness is overrated. it leads to laziness, unproductivity, and inefficiency.

anger is fuel. fuel to do work and get shit done. why is this?! why can't happiness lead to efficiency? is this why most high-powered individuals are cranky, on-the-go, curt, and short-tempered? damn, the worlds got to run somehow and i guess happy people end up being hippies and angry people end up on wallstreet and subsequently out the window.

They should be warning labels on grad school apps: "For every eight weeks, your life will suck for three of them."

On a happy note, Parker didn't attack the small child running around the field as the dog and I played fetch and the sun came out. However, parkguy-questionable-heterosexual-status was no where to be found. He was probably busy shaving his legs for the weekend.

when i'm relaxed i get no work done! when i'm stressed out, i am a working machine. how is this good for my well-being? maybe i should become a homeless person and smell of urine. i'm half way there because i haven't done laundry in two weeks.

okay. was it this bad in undergrad? i mean, seriously. i didn't get eye twitches during undergraduate finals. i guess i didn't start studying or worrying about finals until the week before and i was more occupied with which baseball player i hadn't hooked up with and needed to add to my list.

food store cashiers are always amazed at my ability to drink a half liter diet beverage while i shop. the confused look is often followed by the question, "did you just drink that here?" i answer, "yep." maybe thats why my stomach is so big.

i think parkguy is gay. he brings a blanket AND a pillow thing of sorts to "lay out" after his run. damnit!

i dont like how oranges give me gas. gross.

I finally feel like a Californian. I have TV, there is the local news, I have an actual living crush not associated in any way with school or school mates, and I know my way around town. YAY!!! YAY!!!

Seriously, when October rolls around, FORCE me to get on an SSRI because this seasonal depression shit is OUT OF CONTROL! either that or stick me under a 10,000 lux light for the entire fall, winter, and rainy months.

Um. Hi. This is insanity.

Oh my. There is this really hot guy who ends his run at the park and lays out to stretch and soak up the sun. I haven't seen him up close, but he reminds me of a larger Ryan Phillipe and we all know how much I love Ryan! Now, everytime I go to said park, I am either in workout wear, studying, or just plain bumming. I have yet to dress up for the park, because, seriously, who dresses to lay out in animal urine soaked grass?

We'll see how this goes. Hopefully, I'll have time to make visits to the land of half naked sweaty Ryan-look-alikes in the next couple of weeks.

omg. my father is going fucking senile. i called him to say hi and as we were wrapping up the conversation he goes, you should call me from time to time.

wtf? i call my dad like every other day about something. he is insane.

i have never felt so insane and wigged out in my life. i think it's because my cns system is revved up from riding my bike and walking everywhere. in addition, there are constant deadlines and grades grades grades. the working world was stressful but i did work during the eight hours in the office (or played on IM). now, i'm in class for eight hours and i have more work to do when i get home. in the working world, being able to watch tv, lounge, and hang around the pool as opposed to doing stats homework or studying for two comphrensive exams that are five weeks away on top of finals and class papers yields a calmer lifestyle.

plus i got paid for the work i do and i had shopping days!

the good thing about grad school is that i am responsible for myself and myself only. i make my own schedule and the work i do is for my own benefit. the effort i put in depends on my motivation and willingness. no one else will criticize the work to get ahead or threaten to 'tell the boss.' i dont have to worry a company falling apart, financial indiscretions, layoffs, sexual harrassment, hiring employees who turn out to be huge delinquints, coordinating huge events, or worrying about job security. and the coup de grace (or whatever) i get to wear flipflops and sweatpants!

maybe the grass is the same green color on both sides of the fence.

or this could be my quarter life crises where my life crumbles apart and i turn into a mad woman. you know, most psychological disorders fully develop and appear in the mid-twenties and early thirties.

the only way to prevent a full blown psychological disorder is to drink. heavily. or in my case (because alcohol has too many calories) is to flirt with cute boys.

Hmm.. these anxiety episodes sound a lot like anxiety attacks...or more like panic attacks.

is it strange to want to throw a whole plate of food at the wall or break something when you feel like you can't squeeze in time to study, eat, breathe, do laundry, and workout? hmm.. hmm...

mother fucker!

anywho, on a lighter note, i have a phone date with my best friend, krystal from new york. it has come to making phone appointments with friends. krys and i used to talk on the phone for five consecutive hours back in the day. now, i can only talk to her for 30 minutes while making food. holy crap!

I'm going to beat people in the face who end correspondence with "Cheers" or "Ciao."

it's five thirty AM and I am wide awake. i am going back to bed. damn you east coast time.

I know what it's like to be a boy with a nagging girlfriend. Spending 56 hours with my aunt, mother, and grandmother is like having Super Annoying Girlfriend who won't stop commenting or suggesting ways of showering, eating, dressing, smelling, sleeping, breathing, chewing, relaxing, homeworking, walking, standing, spending, and peeing. Oh my god. It's non-stop. THREE females at once, a constant barrage of rules and regulations. This is why guys just sit there, nod their heads, pretend to listen and go along with whatever girlfriends have to say because there's no way out. It's easier to nod and say yes than to argue. Nod, Smile, and Stare no matter if you agree or disagree. Then do the opposite when they're not looking. I know you boys!

ive never seen such downcasted and stressed out family members. my grandma and mom and everyone are usually laughing and crazy, but i guess going to the hospital for two weeks straight will make anyone depressed and exhausted.

i can't take this stress!!!

biking in wet shoes is terrible.

having habanero reminents on my hands and then going to the bathroom is NOT the best idea. sitting for fifteen minutes experiencing extreme pain in my nether regions is very sad.

you know, i thought i would get some comments on the thomas pic, but i was proven wrong.

so ive taken to eatin habenero peppers to satisfy my need for hotness. i think i have nerve damage or something bc nothing is hot enough! anyone got a hotsauce they like?

gone crazy.

on a lighter note, mr. thomas from kentucky is my laptop wallpaper. he puts me at ease...mmm..i want to ease into those lifeguard shorts. omg. ha.

goin to ny this friday. fam emerg. midterms. broken computer. papers. dog. omg.

omg. i totally fucked up my other computer. i think i cut a computer screen wire somehow and now i have no images on my big computer. then i had no internet bc my tiny computer and comcast were having issues. so i went out and bought a tv and dvd player bc i had no means for music nor dvds. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. and i have a midterm.

i went running this morning and a girl was running towards me. she was wearing blue shorts and a white t-shirt, the same color combo as moi. as she approached, i noticed she was wearing the same nike UNC-blue-colored running apparel. not one block later, another girl was running towards me in the same nike blue shorts and a white shirt. apparently, us female saturday morning runners dress the same. it really freaked the shit out of me.

I have major issues and one is going into the city and dealing with the abhorrent nighttime wind. I become like Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde, except instead of being mean, I start crying and refuse to speak. It's like when the sun sets and the weather drops from 65 to 55 in less than thirty minutes, my body shuts down. Fucking 20mph wet winds!

There's something about listening to good music and laying on the floor that makes me happy.

Oh and not to mention cute boys at the store.

oh my gooseness. i saw a very attractive asian male at the medical library today. i think i will try to converse with him the next time i am there and not going psycho studying for pharm and drinking a 32 ounce diet pepsi.

i think med school students are cute...I HAVE SPRING FEVER> I DONT WANT TO STUDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

eye twitching is beyond my control. ahhhhhhhhh.

i still love martha stewart no matter what she does or is legally bound not too do like leave the house and tend the garden or beat up the nearest studio assistent.

Speaking of MSG (monosodium glutamate), I am studying psychopharmacology at the moment and learning about neurotransmitters, one being glutamate, an excitatory small molecule or 'classic' transmitter from the amino acid family. People crave Chinese food not knowing that they are craving the stimulation of neurons in their CNS and ANS systems from the MSG excitatory properties that trigger action potential of such neurons. SO, what you're really wanting is activation of neurons. You can get the same affect by running around the neighborhood or taking PCP. Who needs Kung Pao chicken anyway?

When I was a kid, every Sunday we went to church in Chinatown, NY. After Sunday school, we went for dim sum. I want some right now. What I would do to see little Chinese women screaming "HAU GOW SUI MAI" while pushing silver metal carts displaying oily, indiscriminate, MSG-laden treats.

I finally understand the premise of Star Wars. Luke and Han are trying to get hold of the stolen Death Star design before Darth Vader does. Wow and it only took 22 years.

This entire time I thought it was about fighting aliens, incestuals, hairy people, "before-The-Fugitive-Harrison-Ford," and a dude with really bad asthma who wears only plastic black garb.

You know you're pressed for time when you do yoga poses in the shower as a segue from working out to make food to eat while studying.

I read too much gossip columns because I've started to dress like Mary Kate and Ashley. I'm wearing a long sleeved, long torso shirt with a long skirt and ballet-sandlelies, basically a semi, yet clean and cute homeless look. Awesome.

I am turning into an official nerd. I like Star Wars I.

What is up with Ewan's hair and who told him to cut Annikan's hair like that? Just because he will be the apprentice does not mean Annikan should be forced to look like trailor trash circa 1982.

Queen Almasomething's personal makeup artist has glaucoma and bilateral myopia because she/he does not know how to apply lipstick and blush like a person with normal vision.

Additionally, Samuel L. Jackson left his acting skills on planet Earth when he traveled far into the galaxy.

Is it strange that when I see Parker's peanut butter biscuit I want to take a bite?

Poor Mr. Blog. What did it ever to do deserve such neglect? It didn't do anything, I tell you! We should blame graduate school. Stupid higher education my ass. Don't believe what teachers or parents tell you. They encourage you to get a higher degree so they can privately laugh at your inner and outer torment.

I feel like dying!

Too..much..celeb gossip...making.me.brain....dead. killing..slowly by idiotic pictures.....and even ..more..stupid quotes...can't stop reading because brain needs rest from thinking about real things....

You know what makes me physically ill with envy yet elated? Pictures of two really cute people in a relationship. I don't want to be in a relationship but I would like to look at good looking people smiling and in love because all too often, pics of physically-mismatched couples or gross couples is all one sees on facebook and myspace.

I had a dream that I was trying to hookup with my research assistant at my previous job. He was 18 when I hired him and almost 20 when I left. I've always had a crush on him and coined him "fav RA." I guess I'm still not over the boy and that's just sick; breaking the law kind of sick.

I feel like a real biker now wearing a helmet, albiet a $20 helmet from Target that will only protect my hair and probably not my brain.

I love diet soda and I will get cancer from the fake sugar I ingest.

I am mad the Matrix Revolutions DVD is not working on my computer.

I don't want to do work.

I'm scared to change my top 8 on Myspace. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but as more of my internet-retarded slash internet-delinquent friends sign up for procrastination websites like Myspace, the more shiftings around I will have to do. I hope no one notices!

I am so going to purchase stock in Febreze. I Frebreze just about everything; socks, gloves, scarvess, the carpet, jackets, the dog, pillowcases, backpacks, purses, blankets, and shoes. I am like the grandpa with Windex in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" except the movie I star in will be called, "My Eating Disordered Mixed-Race Give it Two Years Drunk-Fest."

Um I can't seem to get it right with Parker, poop, and Palo Alto. Go alliteration! I dumped his bag of "pupu" in a private resident recipticle as I walked Parker and this random lady yelled at me that it was a "compost only" bin. She continued to tell me the trials and tribulations of having people dump plastic bags in her bins because the men won't dispose of the compost and she has to fish out the bags. Furthermore, she told me to "go get" what I dumped and I said.. "No, it's too far down. I'll get it on my way back." Her reply, "NO YOU WONT!!"

Okay. Hm. Seems like Palo Altans like dogs and animals, but don't like feces. I can see that.

Today has got to be one of the worst Mondays experienced. Not only did I wake up three hours later than intended, I didn't have time to do all my laundry. The dryer wasn't working so I have clothes, duvets, and sheets hanging around the shoebox. Additionally, it's raining (continuously for the past five months), so nonthing will dry within this lifetime. I had to haul ass and bike to school in the rain and represent my research group. It was awesome because not a soul inquired about my group so there was no point being there. Now it's time for homework. GREAT! I LOVE MONDAYS!

All this negativity is annoying. I will make an exerted effort to love Mondays because they aren't going anywhere. They, apparently, come every six days, so I have to make the best of it. If only Monday was an actual person so I can punch him in the face.

I know I'm procrastinating when I write in blog and check my Friendster account. Damn you Psychopharm!

So apparently my neighbor believes I let Parker poop in her "yard" because she's never seen me "carry a bag." She left me a note this morning mentioning the rudeness of never carrying a plastic baggie to pick up his "pupu." I kindly rang her door bell about thirty seconds after she left me the note and informed her that I never let him defacate near our block and that I carry bags in my pocket. She told me that she has "NEVER" seen me with one. Again, jacket. pocket.

It was only later I realized the foreign lady meant she's never seen me carry a bag full of "pupu." There are several reasons for this. One, I usually dump the bag in a neighboring garbage can and two, I haven't picked up his poop in a while because he "number twos" in ivy or I know there isn't a garbage can in a half mile radius.

Either way, maybe I should leave her a bag of flaming "pupu" as a tiny present. But instead of setting a brown paper bag on fire, it will be plastic. The toxic fumes will be a nice added touch.

You know what I hate most about the winter/cold? The layers of clothing needed to step out the door. I want to stop by my classmates apartment tonight on my dogwalk, but that means I have to take off my nappy ass thick lounge wear, replace the mismatching scarf, wash my face and remove the bandana from my forehead in order to look presentable. If this was the summer, I would be wearing 2-3 pieces of clothing and could step out the door without taking 30minutes to get dressed for the outdoors.

I have been MIA lately because classes started this week and boy has gone home or should I say ex-boy :-0?

Um, I am thirsty. That is all I have to say right now.

i'm goin to die alone, old, and unhappy.

a lot has happened in the past week and i don't know what i should type. i know cameron would say, 'that poor bastard. he didn't deserve it.'

A tip for everyone. Don't get a studio apartment and have visitors because you will die.

How do you tell a human being to stop whistling? Usually, with Parker, I just kick him to make him stop doing whatever annoys me.

anything that tastes and looks remotely appealing is high in calories and by 'high in calories' i mean anything that has more calories than water. this is my new theory.

I really hate the question "How are you?" What the hell? I've touched on this subject before but seriously, it's finals week. How good can anyone be?

Even if it wasn't finals week, how does one answer that without wanting to stab the other person in the face? The question lacks meaning when immediately after the person inquires about your well being he/she starts spewing his/her problems. The question "How are you," should be "This is my opening line. For the next thirty minutes I want you to help me solve all my problems. Thanks."

You know what sucks? When all your friends get together for a road trip and you won't be able to join them because 1. you live 3,000 miles away and 2. because you live 3,000 miles away.

Now, it's not that I want to go to Atlanta that is the problem. The problem is that they will have stories and inside jokes to which they will refer for years to come and I will have NO idea what the hell they are talking about.

BASTARDS! I love inside jokes. I will make my own with my Cali friends.

Oh i'm suffocating in this smoke. Fucking neighbors. I shall say something...soon.

you know it's time to give your dog a bath when he starts smelling like Cool Ranch Doritos and you don't eat them.

I am so notorious for staining clothes with food, pens, soda, makeup, dog pee, dirt...the list can go on forever.

My solution? Dye everything black. I bought a tiny packet of black dye from Wallyworld to make my own black wife beaters (bc who wants to pay Old Navy $15 for a tank when you can get four tanks for $5?). Anywho, Ima take every stained pant and shirt I no longer wear in public and dye em black. I am so Chi-ghetto-Martha.

I FEEL LIKE IM TAKING CRAZY PILLS.

The weather in Palo Alto is so crazy. One minute it's raining, another minute it's sunny. My mood fluctuates so much and I really don't need the weather to be unstable. It's like I'm a manic patient on speed and weed.

i'm really nervous about boy coming here because it is like a test. a test to see if this shit will work and it's a pass/fail exam.

now, i just had an interesting conversation with my mother that included her not trusting me to choose the "right guy" who would set an example for the "next generation." There were several comments made by me saying that "i would have no babies" and her mentioning the word "accidents." Admist this were anctedotes about me "killing any babies" and the word "abort."

i feel like such a space cadet at school. maybe i should try eating more and not signing online.

i fell off my bike today. i went two feet and knocked the fuck out. my knee is scraped up and i feel like a fool. actually, i feel like a six year old who got dirty and bloody. thank god my mother isn't here to pour hydrogen peroxide on the cuts.

I just got off the phone with my mother. I told her that boy was coming to visit during my spring break. She goes, "You guys fooling around or in love?" I told her we use the 'L' word and she advised me to "make him wait," "not to have s3x," and to "wait to have s3x until marriage."

I retorted with, "How do you know I haven't already?" BOOYOW!

She asked if he was my "first" and when I told her that he wasn't, she replied, "Oh, I thought you were a v--."

My mother is in serious denial.

I had a horrible dream last night that I got an F on a quiz in my psychopathology and diagnosis class. He wrot everyone's name on the board and their corresponding grades. Three people had big fat red F's and two people had big great red As. I got an F and he pronounced my name wrong when he made me out as an F example. Oh how my dreams have become so lame.

Cigarette smoke. Nasty tobacco seeps into my apartment. Apparently, Mary Jane is on vacation.

You know I posted more when I wrote papers last quarter because it was a way for me to procrastinate. Now I'm doing more paper note takings. Maybe I should doodle thoughts on paper, scan them, and post them on blogger. :X

i'm goin brain dead from the second hand smoke leaking into my studio's ventilation system.

yep still feel crazy. i am planning to go to a party tonight hosted by a graduate student...in her graduate dorm room. When my new friend called to invite me to a party, I immediately responded "Oh, is this going to be held in a dorm with a pony keg in the sink?" He replied, "Yea it's in a dorm and there will be a keg."

It's fun offending new people.

I feel like a crackhead.

i have befriended a long lost companion, "the nap." I have taken maybe ten naps in the past three years and seven of those have been in the past two months. Oh the miracle of "quick alarm" on cell phones.

told boy about dream. ha

i had a dream i cheated on boy. it was only a makeout session with a past guy who is gay.

Oh thank god. I am running on three hours of sleep today. I lost my house key on the dogwalk and I had to climb through a broken kitchen window. Not only was the window suffocating half of my body as I was shimmying my way through, I was balancing on a 4 inch piece of plywood sticking out from the side of the house. AWESOME. On the plus side, I'm done with midterms. THANK GOD.

I'm back on the five or so hours of sleep thing. Yea. No es beuno for anyone.

I don't know what else to say but that statistics makes me feel incompetent and tired. I am the worst Chinese person in the world. The should strip me from the Asian category and label me "other."

Mondays seem to be the most hellacious day for people. Thank god my school strives to give Mondays off to students. Yea that's all I got to say for now. Back to stats.

i got nothing. busy with 3 midterms, 1 quiz, a write up, and stuff.

ALL MY WORLDS ARE COLLIDING!!! This is what happens when alcohol, hormones, and spit intermix. I guess this makes for easier dinner party planning. If everyone can stand to be in the same room with each other for more than four minutes, then I don't have to worry about assigned seating.

Apparently, graduate school is like a do or die camp. They want to see who will last the 2 to 5 years of hell. Last kids standing with a decent GPA wins. The prize? An existence of hard work and no play, a constant stream of suicide ideation, psychological instability, caffeine addiction, and a life-time supply of sweatpants and sweatshirts.

I have never taken an exam that had seven questions and felt so horrible about it. I think I got one out of seven correct. I'm goin to beat this teacher to death.

If only I could be like those people who roll up their sleeves and shout, "I love me a challenge." No, I am a person who backs down from challenges, hates competition, and refuses to do joint activites because of performance anxiety.

Crazy is a family trait. It is my hope that if my future child receives half crazy genes, he/she will turn out semi-normal.

My father is going to the bar tonight to go drinking with a white buddy. It is Monday night, he is like 54 years old, and he is Asian. What the hell? I told him not to get drunk and he responded, "I never got drunk. Only once. At Uncle Ray's wedding."

In the summer I need Ritalin, in the winter, I need Zoloft. I should be a spokesperson for Glaxo: "A pill for any season and any reason. Just take it."

So the days are getting longer and warmer and you know what that means. Spring fever. Looks like things are back in action. All my friends are dating and all hell is breaking loose. If you can see from my previous blogs, about 10 months ago, my friends were getting into some crazy booty love shit. I'm glad I have this blog. It traces the pattern of tom flooery throughout the year. Dear Jesus. Let's hope this spring and summer bodes a better fall and winter.

Happy Chinese New Years!

In the words of Mugatu, "I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!"

All this emotional caring for another HUMAN being is really taxing and confusing. With Parker, I could care less about his emotional reaction to my crying, demanding attitude, and straight up bitching. Parker has to comply to my moodiness because his survival depends on it. However, with a human, he can react in a myriad of ways. He can run away, appreciate the inquiries about his well-being, or ignore me. It is a touchy thing.

Anywho, I couldn't use the boyfriend word the other day when a classmate asked me about my spring break plans. I said "Someone is coming to visit." We're not really boyfriend/girlfriend even though we're committed to each other because we're three thousand miles apart. It would be silly to use the terms in public. Although, on myspace, I have "in a relationship" checked off in the profile and today I finally felt the pangs of monogamy. I messaged my classmate's cute friend and added flirtations in the correspondence only to remember that he knows that I am not available. :( It didn't make me want to not be in a relationship or check single, it made me want to not have the status up there at all, like it's a mystery.

Oh.....I think I'm going to have to accept the fact that I am no longer on the market for boys to flirt with me. How the hell am I going to get things done if I can't ask unsuspecting males for favors? Damnit!

I am currently annoyed with myself. It takes me so long to write a paper because I'm easily distracted by biological triggers and desires to check websites such as myspace and facebook. After I write a paragraph or so, I immediately go to a distractor item, like the AIM. It is impossible for me to type two paragraphs. God forbid I finish a paper within one day. >:-0

I'll list you the reasons why I am so extra pissy today..because it mainly helps me feel better.

1. I'm working on a paper and it will take me all day because I am inefficient at writing these things.
2. there are too many drafty areas in my old apt
3. i'm sick of always feeling cold in my apt.
4. I miss the Food Network.
5. I'm poor and need to renew my financial aid but I can't until June 30th and i'm running out of money.
6. I miss nc-boy.
7. I want to go shopping.
8. I'm obsessed with my weight.
9. I'm getting over the female issues part of the month.
10. I'm sick of not being able to clock out and not do shit after 4pm.
11. and finally, I want some lovin. >:-0

I am particularly cranky today and I believe it has to do with sexual frustration. During said times, sarcastic comments are not my cup of tea.

I think boys are stupid because they don't know when to stop egging girls on with sarcasm. They should learn when to shut up and let things be because making 'funny comments' don't help.

On a side note, my house smells like scrambled eggs because that is what I just ate for breakfast.

having dreams about past boyfriends getting married is quite disturbing. having dreams about past boyfriends ripping up letters from lawyers about past property damage incurred during breakup is disturbing yet carthetic.

I'm depressed because I can't shop because I don't have money and I can't lounge around and watch dvds because I have to do homework and I would feel like a lazy bastard getting fat lounging.

Sigh. I can't concentrate because I rather clean or move furniture around or write letters or organize my photos. Man, two years of the working world has made me into a lazy son of a biotch. Weekends were reserved for spending money I made during the weekday and watching pointless reruns on tv. Damnit!

Got a fucking speeding ticket today. It wouldn't have been as horrible if I had stayed on my bike instead of turning around because of the rain and got in my car to drive to school. Then, as the officer finished explaining the 45 in a 25 ticket, the sun comes out. It's like God was saying, "Fuck you and have a nice day."

I AM TIRED AND CRANKY TODAY. GO AWAY...justkididng. I love you. Come back.

Damn. When I don't eat and try to study, I fall asleep. Damn the body's need for glucose to keep the brain working and absorbing information and damn society's pressues for females to be thin! I can't be smart AND skinny. Fuckers!

uh oh. a cute boy from class emailed me.. he's so very cute.

wow. here's a hint. if you want to spend more time with your dog even if he annoys you sometimes, wash him with male body wash. making him smell like a hot boy will make the dog more appealing.

when parker farts, his ears perk up and he looks in the direction of his butt. then, he leans forward and takes a slight smell. do dogs not know when they fart?

I like how last nite on the phone with boy i blurted out, "I MADE OUT WITH JOHN!...like two years ago" I had to get it out. He thought it was interesting that I made out with his frat brother and he also thought I was crazy for admitting to it like I had killed a baby.

i can't handle this. i totally forgot my sexual past during my college years. it seriously escaped my mind, "the list." the list is very long and shameful. i dont know what to do. who would want to be with me if they knew about the list?!

i am so glad i'm in california and not nc because i just remembered how sordid my past is. the boy in nc with whom i'm having relations is about to procure a roommate...someone who i used to drunk dial and try to make out with. in addition, i have made out with another one of his frat brothers, told another frat brother i would hookup with him if he didn't have a girlfriend, tried to make out with another one at a bar one night, annndd hooked up with several members from neighboring fraterniities. how time makes one forget about such trespasses.

who the hell am i kidding? i can't raise a family in nc. i would walk down the street with natalie jr. and run into four bartenders, seven baseball players, thirty fraternity alumnis who ive hooked up with. natalie jr. would grow up to be a floosy!

You know what's sad? I can't pronounce my own name. Natalie is the strangest name ever and it was horrible for my parents to name me something that rhymes with fat.

I went to mass today for school reasons. Why is it that whenever I'm in the house of God, I spend the entire time thinking about sex? There's something about the abomination of premarital sex that gets me riled up.

My brother has officially ..... ... lost...his...marbles.

The best thing about long research articles is the concise endings that begin with "In conclusion." There is no need to actually READ the article. I can "jump to [the] conclusion[s]" and make Tom Smykowski proud.

I lugged my bike from NC to CA and I rode it to school today. I feel like Michael Bluth from Arrested Development because the structure of this bike is more leany-forwardy than Green Machine. If you do not recall, my bike got stolen at the Caltrain couple of weeks ago. I'm back to the expensive mountain bike that was used about ten times in NC. My back hurts from all the leaning forwarding.

Let's talk about Lindsay and the Vanity Fair interview. Who the hell is her publicist because she's doing a horrible job of keeping her alive in the business. She will die out like all the other peons.

I'm so afraid because I'm actually contemplating moving back to NC to raise a "family" and run a private practice, albeit that wouldn't be for another four years and I'm totally jumping the gun, but entertaining the idea of returning to jungle southern hell is very unexpected. Damn you biological need for social and familial support.

Parker is back in his crate because he decided to make himself comfy on the couch and eat food off my plate while I leave the room. He has lost respect and crossed too many boundaries. Ass!

I dont know if it's healthy to eat only cereal, flax bread, strawberries, peanut butter, and chocolate for breakfast lunch and dinner. damn you north carolina for kicking in the bad habits. it's actually wayyyy cheaper for me to eat this way than eating vegetables..altho I LOVE veges and fruits.. it's so expensive :(

No, not Bon Jovi or was it?.... I guess I should like him because he's from Jersey.

omg i'm listening to the best song ever. the lyrics go, "Have a Nice Day." Perfect :)

i'm in class again. this is weird. i'm letting parker roam in my apt without being in his crate. i wonder to what i will come home.....

New Year's Resolution: Do not take phone calls from people who are drunk.

I'm so mad right now. Arg.

I'm home now and kind of glad to be back. School is going to suck.