so i'm starting a book club. it's going to be fun and easy. no esoteric books. just dating books, how-to, and pop psychology. loves it!!! who wants to join?

why do i always get food on my clothes?!?!??!?!?!?!?! dear lord. can i have ONE piece of clothing that does not have apple or ketchup or soy sauce or turkey drippings? god. i might as well wear a bib for the rest of my food ingesting life.

one of the best posts

so there's a new crush. his name is Asian Guy. He's medium height, went to a good school, and lives in the city. He is 5 or so months older than me, and he's almost like a banana, but he has an asian crew so that still makes him completely yellaz.

anywho, he texted me, "hey, meeting friends in your hood. come meet up for drinks." i get this text, a little tired, but wanting to go out. he tells me he's going at 10:30.

uh oh. that is my bedtime. i text him back, "cool :)." cool is elusive because it's neither a yes or a no, just an acknowledgment of his text without committing to a meet-up.

i think, well Asian Guy is going to be there with his asian crew and i don't want him to feel like he has to babysit me. i shall ask nicole to go with me. I text nicole, "hey, want to go to lazlo? Kevin is going. 1030. no way i'll be abe to stay awake or motivated." I am hoping that nicole will go to assist me in conversation and motivation.

about five minutes later, i get a text back from Asian Guy. "I don't know who you were trying to invite, but you sent that text to me."

HOLY SHIT. I sent nicole's text to Asian Guy. I could feel my face increasing in temperature to meet the degree of embarrassment I was feeling. I immediately sent "Oh shit. that was meant for nicole. hahah you found me out. now i totally have to go."

He said, "no worries. we can meet another night." i asked to possibly meet earlier, but he said he had to meet another group of friends at 9 and couldn't.

Well, that is the foible for the night and i'm going to kiss myself to sleep because darlings, i'm too embarrassed to do anything else.

i always look for a guy to love me when i'm poopy and when i'm cute. when i'm feeling crabby or fat or ugly, i imagine a guy taking me into his arms and giving me a hug, telling me, "hey. i still love you and i'll always love you. you're beautiful. i don't care."

i imagine him kissing me on my forehead when i'm scraggly and nappy after a night of sleep and telling me i'm cute when i'm in my glasses or laughing at me when i'm concentrating on my homework.

i also fantasize about a guy thinking that the mishaps, foibles, cliche-killings are endearing and makes him love me even more. finally, i think about the guy hanging out on the couch with me being completely lazy in the middle of the afternoon or a weeknight because it takes too much energy to go out.

all these things, i beat myself up about, thinking that i'm not meeting my potential and that i can do better in life. i tell myself i need to stop watching so much tv, i need to be working on the dissertation, i need to stop eating sweets, i need to get a job, i need to get dressed before i start my day, and that i have to get lasik surgery. well, i have to stop kicking myself in the ass about these things and trying to find a guy to love me despite these things. i have to show myself love during these unperfect moments, because they are part of me and i'm perfectly fine even in my less than stellar moments.

this is me today and this is the only body that i have today.

i want mayor gavin newsome. he is so hollywood and retahded. hahha i want him to play with..he looks so fun.

Why has no one created a link on google called "how to date a major league baseball player." I have found nothing helpful to obtain my summer goal!!!

You know, I have yet to figure out the question to "Who Am I?" At age 27, you would think I would have cemented a self-concept. I have tried on a lot of different suits and I'm still unsure. I mean the person I was at 12 was just temporary right? High school was a crockpot of identities. College was experimental. Grad school was a crockpot of shit. Maybe it's a combination of all four distinct periods of my life? There are features of myself that I would like to modify, but I cannot deny. We all know grad school was denying my true self, which resulted in complete despair and on-going days of cruel torment (eating, sleeping, boys, spending money).

So maybe I should go back to childhood where in others' expectations and ideals did not influence how I behaved and I was happy. So before 7th grade would mean that my true self consists of:

1. loving animals, small and big
2. wearing silver shoes
3. eating a lot and loving every minute of it
4. thinking girly0girls were stupid for not playing with dirt and boys
5. enjoying baseball, playing and watching
6. having very poor eyesight
7. neglecting showers
8. loving Jesus and the Big Man Upstairs
9. lots of hairspray
10. having an affinity for frozen chicken pot pies and Doritoes
11. swimming
12. bossing people around
13. creating "teams" and fighting about nothing because i thought it was fun to argue and make-up. seriously, we would choose sides and then fight (about ???). i sure loved drama!
14. crushing on Filipino boys and red-heads
15. writing in chicken scratch
16. could not understand the concept of wearing jeans or regular woven pants


I currently match 10 out of the 16 things.

what have i learned from the man-detox?

PROS:

• i walk the streets without worrying about "guy on my right" is thinking about my outfit, body, hair, and makeup.
• i don't give a shit if my neighbor has called me.
• i don't give a shit about much.
• i concentrate on buying nice, quality clothing pieces.
• i watch a lot of 'how to' tv shows, like "what not to wear"
• i get a lot of reading done.
• i get a lot of dissertation writing done.
• i work out.
• i stop thinking about how i can't move out of SF if i fall in love, and start thinking about the possibilities of exploring a new city, state, and culture.
• i begin imagining a life with my friends and laughing.
• i hang out at non-bar places with girlfriends.
• i consider moving to a bumf-ville place just to see how it is for a year or two.
• i laugh at people who have children.
• i go places alone without a friend or without a guy friend, and don't give a shit
• i stop thinking about jon.
• i stop thinking about boys.
• i start thinking about what i want out of the day, the week, the month, and year.
• i smile when i think about the future.
• i am not bothered by the homeless men in the neighborhood.
• i am not bothered by couples in the street holding hands or making out.
• i look at women's outfits and see what looks good and what doesn't.
• i notice architecture and advertisements.
• i shop for myself and stay in the girl's section. i ignore the men's section and stop envying those who buy things for boyfriends
  

CONS:

• i engage in activities that remind me of Depression 2005-2006 during which i had no desire to hang out with friends or seek human contact unless asked multiple times.
  
• i go to movies and shows by myself and bring lots of snacks to keep me entertained.
• i stock up on diet food and start restricting calories.
• i get bored and try to sleep at 8pm.
• i see women everywhere and think i'm turning lesbian