I am wearing off-white pants today and the first thing I did was spill Diet Mt. Dew on myself, while holding a tray of chocolate cupcakes and having chocolate covered saran wrap blow onto my off-white jacket.

I was so angry, I almost threw the tray of cupcakes onto the sidewalk and walked away. Fucking The Wind.

There is no such thing as fidelity. It is not feasible that a man could keep his mind, hands, and eyes off of another woman, even if he is in a supposedly monogamous relationship. If a man is just dating someone, there is nothing that would stop him from hooking up with hotgirl at the work place, especially if girlfriend will never find out.

Staying faithful for the same person for six months is hard. Staying monogamous for 20 or more years is impossible. There is no way in hell grandpa has only touched grandma's boobies in the past 45 years.

Let's take a look at the following scenarios.

1. Man is wickedly drunk. Girlfriend is at home watching Soprano reruns. Man is approached by half-naked hot woman. Woman looks a lot hotter than girlfriend. Woman proposes that they should leave and check out her new car in the parking lot. Man is drunk and can only hear is penis. Man is also in another town far far away from girlfriend. What will stop him from "checking out her car"?

2. Man is faced with hot young girl at work everyday because she is the assistant. Girl is always wearing low cut shirts. Girl asks man out to lunch at least once a week. They always manage to come into physical contact with each other whether it's a brush against the arms or a touching of the hands when passing forth papers. Man spends 40 hours a week with girl, man spends 12 waking hours a week with girlfriend. You do the math.

3. Man is out with the boys on a weekend trip. They go to the strip club. Hot big-boobied woman is bouncin on top of man and asks if he wants a special ending...for free. Girlfriend has small boobs. Girlfriend is at home. Man is horny.

Undoubtly, I have little trust in man-kind. I go to the mall and see men with their partners. They make no effort to ignore female passersby and will gawk while their girlfriends are busy perusing the khaki pants. If 85% of males check me out when I shop, then who's to say that my man won't be cheating with his eyes? What will happen if he stares at a woman and she winks at him in return?

Fidelity is as fictitious as Santa Clause. And you know Santa be cheating on Mrs. Clause while she's watching HBO and he's out riding his sleigh far far away.

I know at the workplace, there is what is widely known as work incest. Of course, at any bar slash restaurant, the servers hookup with the bartenders and at any office, the secretaries get it on with bosses. Employees at Abercrombie engage in work incest behavior like it is a perk on top of the $5.25 an hour they receive.

We can go through each type of employment establishment, but we won't. Rather, let's delve into the topic of employee fraternizing at low-end stores like Wal-Mart. You know ugly people have sex. You know ugly people hang out with other ugly people and date each other. You know if ugly people work in the same building for eight hours, they will find time to play tonsel hockey in the back of the store. The thought of the trolls working at Wal-Mart hooking up is too chilling to even imagine.

The first aisle I will stop at Walmart will be the cleaning supplies aisle. I will break open a package of utility gloves to wear while I shop. I don't want to touch any items that were stored in the dark corner of the stock room.

If it wasn't for dirty talking on AIM, I don't think I could ever survive the work week.

Is there such thing as marriage bliss? Every new couple look so happy, but give it a few months and the rose-colored cheeks and diliated pupils change into bitch-slapped cheeks and angry glares.

Why can't the butterfly feeling stay throughout the relationship instead of disappating after a few dates? Relationships are like new shoes. You are excited to see them in the store-front window and when you finally get your hands on them, you want to explode with happiness. However, after a few romps, you find that they are not sparkly and clean anymore and they are a pain in the ass after wearing them for a while. You figure that the next best thing will be in the stores next weekend and you can't wait to find a better shiny pair.

I just explained my own shoe fetish. I have replaced my love of the peen for the love of footwear.

How long would you wait for someone to call before you go and do something else for the night? I am currently sitting on my couch expecting a ringy from a friend to go watch a movie. I told him to pick me up at 8pm and he said that he will call me beforehand because he may be early. It is now 8:03 and no longer early.

The freakshow part of the story is that I asked him to pick me up even though he lives like forty feet away. I know it is complete craziness, but I thought it would be funny if he walked to my apartment and walked me to his. I do not know what caused me to speak such insanity.

I'm afraid he has written me off as crazy ...8:04. I will wait until 8:20 before I label myself officially dissed and find something else to do.

Motherfucker.