Cameron asked if I am the ghostwriter for this girl's column. Of course I'm not, but that conjured a past memory of that great PBS show, Ghostwriter.

As a child, I wondered why these kids always wrote on colored paper. What twelve year old child has high quality colored sheets of paper laying around? I only had lined notebook paper to doodle on and write letters to friends. Because I am a genious, I did figure out that Ghostwriter needed to write on a non-white backgound so that the camera lighting didn't blind tv watchers.

Anybody with me?

Whenever I step on the scale, whatever befalls me afterwards experiences my rage.

Parker hides under the table if he sees me stepping on the weight scale. My parents can feel the negative vibes through the air and resists the temptations to call my cellphone and the neighbors tiptoe to prevent making any extraneous noises.

I tattled on my upstairs neighbor for stomping around like a freak on stilts. I'm on the lookout for scratches on my car door and flat tires.

Why do I start projects and never seem to finish them? The only hobby-like things I ever finish are fabric items of sorts. Hmmm.....

I am going to kill the stupid guy upstairs and his fucking lead feet. I will chop his feet, or should I bind them? I shall perform the Asian practice of feet binding, which will prevent him from ever walking. Native Chinese men are turned on by tiny feet so I'm sure he'll find a hot FuManchu like fellow to carry him and do his bidding.

I've become addicted to crossword puzzles. Never have I ever been able to finish one on my own, at least not without the help of the internet. Is that cheating? Are there crossword puzzle rules and regulations?

43 down, two letters, "Go to hell", i.e.

If I wrote a book, would you buy it?