You think doctor offices make up random charges?
You think you paid them off, but then two months later you get another bill in the mail. Bastards.

No matter how prepared you are before going to the car dealership, you'll always lose. It's like the casino, the house always wins.

Appear like you're working but really talking on the AIM.

1. Print random documents. Get colored paper and print more random documents. Staple documents together and place them in manilla folders.

2. Pick up the phone and dial your voicemail. Say aloud "Hi, this is John from Yada Business. I'm looking for Gene Hizeman. Ok. Just leave him a message that I called."

3. Open Microsoft Word and type away. Keep your IM boxes small and in the corner. People in your lab/office can't see or hear the difference.

What an huge letdown-morning.

I began the day with a quick morning walk around the neighborhood. I figured I wouldn't see anyone important since it was around 6:15 and toasty. As I finishedone round around the complex, I spotted Husky running out of his apartment with his dog.

"Oh happy thrilling day!" I screamed to myself. I cut through the building, ran into my apartment, strapped the leash on Parker, and jet through the bushes. I wanted to cut Husky's path so our dogs would meet and he would be forced to talk with me. Parker was dragged across the concrete for about an eighth of a mile.

I saw Husky down the road, both of us restraining our canines as we approached each other. I was imagining our children when all of the sudden, he ran onto the grass, over the hill, and to the dumpster to "throw away his dog's poop."

Yea right. It was just a visual excuse not to talk with me. My stalking efforts would have succeeded if he didn't run away like that. Stupid bastard. He was on to me.

i ran out of utensils so i'm eating peas with two straws, like a pair of make-shift chopsticks.

i'm too lazy to go upstairs to use the microwave so i'm warming my peas under my lamp

This will be my match.com profile

Likes: Money, clothes, food, doing nothing and getting paid.

Dislikes: Bad breath, bad dressers, unclean cars, poor people.

Turnons: Fresh minty breath, guys who pay for everything without having to be asked, non-facial hairness, clean fingernails and toenails

Turnoffs: generic clothing, eye-boogers, wetdog smell

For Fun: I stalk my cute neighbors, talk on the IM, watch tv, and sleep

Type of body: Fit and toned, aka slightly pudgy.

I signed up for a free account at Match.com this morning. I was quite bored and curious about the men who participate in such dating endeavors. I assess an individual purely on looks alone. However, if there are two hot guys, I pick the one with an honest profile.

Why do people write inane profiles? "I like to laugh a lot." Who the hell doesn't, brotha'? "I like to go out and party and stay home to watch movies." You just described 98% of the other men signed up for the dating site.

Let's all try to be truthful and say, "I don't have any luck with real people so I'm getting dates through cyberspace. With the help of photoshop, girls will not run away from my below-avegae appearance and will attempt to get to know me by reading the bullshit I post."