I'm too tired to go out, but if I don't, I feel like I'm missing out and that everyone else is forming friendships without me. No one knows each other but it sucks when invite someone in the clique and the person subsumes your spot. I'm just being paranoid I know. I mean, what other mood do I have except paranoia when I'm fucking tired and living on little to no food and four hours of sleep?

I'm trying to find the balance between going out, studying, and working and it's very hard. I keep forgetting I'm not an undergrad anymore and I can't go out every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday even though I would like to and that I have to financially support myself. It sucks having to study on a Saturday night. I could put off my work and cram it all in another night, but I shouldn't. I should have learned my lesson after my freshman year of college. Barhopping every Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday did not help my GPA, but it did help extend my booty list.

Everytime I have something to say and then I forget it when I sign online. Most of my thoughts occur in class, but when I sit in the front, I can't very well pull up blogger or could I?!

Tonight I'm going out with my classmates to a sushi restaurant to celebrate one of the guy's bday. This should be interseting. I have this fear or anxiety about hanging out with people with whom I work or go to school because there is only so much I can take of one person or a group of people. I'm trying to get over my issues of making intimate friends, ones who I didn't grow up with since I was twelve. One method of resolving my issues of commitment and intimacy is getting completely wasted and revealing my secrets. Can anyone say SAKE BOMB?

Is it weird that I don't want to chat it up with people when I'm studying or study with others? I remember in undergrad that I would spend at least three hours socializing and maybe one hour of real studying.

I'm trying to be social and make new buddies, but it's hard when there is 43024 hours of studying to do and only so many hours in the day, including a parttime job and a dog.

Should I be going to lunch with them and take long breaks chatting it up? There are articles to read. WTF. This was easier in undergrad when I could dick around and NOT do homework. Maybe at 24, it's too late to make new bffs. I think I'll stick to drinking buddies because we all need to make room for alcohol.

Oh man i need coffee because I'm about to fall asleep on my laptop.

People should be banned from wearing dreads because they smell like urine.

There's this really attractive guy across the way, although he looks like he'll have a receding hair line in the next three to seven years. He's completely nerdy, glasses and laptop in tow, but he also has a hotass body, shaped with muscles and broad shoulders. He has yet to look my direction even though I've been staring at him and his light blue shirt for the past forty-five minutes. He's gay.

Me and my 'friend' had a 'notbreakup' last night and I haven't bawled like that in ages and ages. Who knew I liked him this much. We're going to try and not talk on the phone for a few days and see how that pans out. It's going to suck.

I dont know what I would do if i had an ugly child. I mean, I couldn't readily give him/her away for being slightly "off." One of the main reasons I still have Parker around is that he is a cute cute dog and fun to look at when he's not jumping on people wearing khakis or eating tampons out of the trashcan.

Um, for some reason, let's blame the 'female biological disturbances", I am crying about someone. This someone and I had spent the entire summer together, but never had any talks of any kind about our affiliation with each other and that is the what I liked about it. There was no pressure no nothing just hanging out. But being out here and him over there and talking every night is killing me. There is no way I am or can commit to someone over there especially if we would only see each other like 2-4 times a year. That is absurd. I don't know whether I'm being dramatic and feel the need to cry today, but I'm contemplating cutting off all relations with this person so that we can go on our seperate ways. I can't live my life fully here in Cali and I know he can't live his life in NC with me still in the telephonic slash IM picture.

Is this what they call heartbreak, when you both know it's better for each parties to walk away from something even though it feels so right to be with each other? There's got to be another guy in Cali who can make me laugh the way he does right?

HOly fucking hell. I can't believe how much money I've spent on moving out to Cali. On just apartment stuff alone, not including couple of furniture pieces my father purchased, I've charged over a grand in merchandise. Damn me for needing things to match, be of high quality, and decorative. I didn't want to furnish my abode with crappy Walmart shit like I have for the past 5 years of my life. I thought I would take it up a notch by going to Target and IKEA for only stainless steel or glass items. No more plastic crap from Wal-mart. If I have to live with this shit for five years, it might as well be decent to look at and use.

I feel like crying. Having no real money sucks. WHO WANTS AN ASIAN MAIL ORDER BRIDE? Well you'll have to mail yourself over to me because I aint going anywhere. I got a corner of the floor with your name on it.

I'm surprised I'm not dead yet via life pressures. Let's see what i'm facing:

1. on the other side of the continent
2. no family
3. entirely new city to learn
4. graduate school class material to absorb
5. new part-time job that requires me to learn everything under the sun about italian gourmet food
6. a hyper psychotic dog to entertain
7. no real money
8. buying everything needed to furnish an apartment (i.e. dish towels, hamper, bookcase etc.)
9. changing addresses, plates, insurance, healthcare, bank info, credit cards etc.

YAY :X Although I have all these things to do, I'm still really happy being in Palo. All I need now are good drinking buddies, cute boys with whom to flirt, and a shugadaddy.