Half my left arm is scratched up, I have a deep burn on my right elbow, a big cut on my right knuckle, and my right lower leg is gashed in several places. It is quite impossible to take a soothing shower when you're hopping on one leg, flaying your arms trying to assuage the stinging pains as warm water continually pelts your open wounds.

Happy one day after bday to me! Fifty percent of my injuries can be attributed to last night's debauchery. Thanks to all the loving shots of vodka, tequila and yaeger, I did a lot of crouching 'n' puking and tripping 'n' falling.

My brother and I used to fight like two crazy dogs. Now that we do not live in the same household and have to spend more than four hours with each other, we get along like peas and carrots.

This Christmas, my brother decided to grow a "beard" as a present for us. First of all, Asians cannot grow facial hair. A full grown Asian man attempting to grow a 'stache or beard is like a pubescent boy getting his first sprigs of facial fuzz. During dinner, I took a closer look at his beard and it seriously look like a patch of pubic hair. The combination of genitalia adornments and my sibling is completely disgusting and unnecessary.

I received a wonderful massager for Christmas from my friends. The "Twin Sensation" resembles a pleasure toy of sorts and the thought of using it as a 'fun' toy crossed my mind. My neck was hurting while I was at my aunts house, so I used it for a few seconds and left it on the desk. My brother walked by, picked it up and tested out the massager on his own neck. At the exact moment when my brother's epidermis touched the plastic massager, the desire to use it sexually came to a sreeching halt. A good Christmas present that could have been great has now gone to waste.

Merry Triple X-Mas. I apologize for my lack of up-to-dateness lately. The absence of internet access at other people's houses during the holiday season has impede my blogging efforts.


Learn to be a Jackass of an Uncle by following these instructions:

1. When dinner companions comment on your niece's newfound beauty and tallness, tell them that although she is pretty, she has yet to find a boyfriend tall enough for her.

2. When everyone is in the car and your niece is shivering from the intense cold, do nothing. If she has her jacket zipped, the hood tied tight around her head, and only her eyeballs and part of her nose is showing, do nothing. When she says, please turn on the heat, say, "I will turn it on just for you. I don't like turning on the heat in the car." Then turn the heat dial to the lowest possible setting and only have the warm air come out from the floor. Your half-frozen niece does not need to feel her fingers.

3. Drive really slow, then really fast, then really slow, and use the brakes intermittently. Slow down right before you go through a green light, just in case it turns yellow.

4. If your niece has to pee really bad, test the strength of her bladder by taking the wrong exit. Tell everyone in the car that there is a house with beautiful lights that they must see. If there are no homes in the vicinity with Christmas decorations, inform them that the neighbors must have taken the year off from stringing up the lights.

5. If your niece's birthday is coming up and she is past twenty, tell her that it is her time to settle down and get hitched. Say, "This is reality. Twenty-three is the time to get married." Dictate to her the importance of finding a boyfriend and not waiting till she turns thirty.

6. Whenever your niece puts food in her mouth, tell her that she shouldn't eat it because it will get her fat. Suggest a particular food item. If she follows your advice and you see her eating your suggested grub, condemn her for eating it and tell her to eat another item.

You don't know stalker till you go to the Super Wal-Mart, walk into the vision center, and the employee says your last name without even having to look it up.

A month ago, I went to the Wally to see about getting new contacts. The Vision Center staff member helped me with the procurement of my box of corrective lenses. Staffy kept blabbing on and on about his Thanksgiving itinerary and life itself. Staffy was giving me the creeps with his ongoing soliloquy, but I kept a smile on my face because I was in serious need of some new contacts. As Staffy was yapping my ear off and staring at me with his freakishly large eyes, he ordered my perturbingly high prescription contact lenses and informed me that I had to wait a week before I could pick it up. Well, I ended up waiting a month before going back to Wally world because I wanted to receive my direct deposit from work instead of using the ole' credit card. It had been a month since I stepped foot in Super-wally so I was anxious to go straight to the Vision Center.

To my demise, Staffy was sitting there, staring at me with his huge psychotic eyes. I slowly walked over to him to ask for my contacts, being very careful not to look directly at him. I was about three feet away and before I could ask about the status of my order, he yells, "(insert last name)!!" I'm standing there like a deer in the headlights thinking, "Holy shit! This guy remembers who I am and it's been four weeks since I've seen this weirdo."

I don't think gave him my phone number or my address on my order form, but I swear there were strange looking eyeballs poking through bushes by my apartment building the other night.