I’m currently sitting at the car dealership waiting for my car to get raped by the maintenance guys. Jelly Bean, my green Honda Civic, needs an oil change and inspection.

I brought my laptop with me thinking that I would get some non-internet stuff done like backing up files, cleaning the hard drive and making a CD for my friend Tyra.

After I dropped off the keys to the car guy, I went to the waiting room to find me a spot to settle down with my good ole computer. I walked in circles trying to find an outlet and lo’ and behold, there were two desks with internet connection.

Thank God, we’ve come this far that car service stations have internet now. If only they would speed it up and get wireless, but I digress.

First, I backed up some files and then I started on Tyra’s CD. Tyra is a black girl who likes good hip hop and rap music. However, I stopped downloading hip/hop two years ago when I my clubbing came to a screeching halt. All I have on this new computer are cheesy 80’s music, classic rock, and shitty Top 40. So for now, Tyra’s CD consists of one song until I can steal couple of old school rap tracks from friends who like real music. Onward and upward to the world wide web!

I perused the internet and proceeded to check my email. “Sorry. This page is not viewable. You do not have permission.” What the hell? All I want to do is check one message on yahoo and do some other web surfing. What? Honda thinks I’m going to download a virus and take down the whole dealership? I bet employees from the Toyota down the street pose as regular Honda car owners just to go into the Honda waiting room, hop on the internet, and spread a virus from their own ports to destroy their CASH REGISTERS.

That way, Toyota would be the only dealership in the area that can ring up their customers while the people at Honda have to manually write up tickets. Car dealership wars at its worse. “You don’t want to be a part of it, honest Honda car owners. Please, help us in fighting this war and stay away from any downloadable material on Yahoo and Hotmail.”

Fucking dumbshits.

I have no one to talk to on AIM this morning and no Face message reply to. It's lonely. I've come back, Blog!

As I was driving on the freeway this morning (oh, and by the by, the freeways in North Carolina are free, so that observational humor line does not work in this state), there was a teeny bit of traffic. When I finally got past the congestion, I realized the cause of the backup, a stupid fat lady talking on her cellphone while driving. The talking on the cellphone and not paying attention to the road did not bother me. What bothered me was that she was talking to someone at seven in the morning. Who is she chatting with that early in the morning? Momma ain't awake, boyfriend is still sitting on the toilet reading the newspaper, and girlfriend is busy putting on make-up while driving and can't answer her Swarovski cystal covered cellphone. And, it wasn't a business call because she looked too relaxed, giggly, and unprofessional to be on an international conference call.

She must have been chatting it up Miss. Fucking Cleo. That bitch always be causing problems.

Hey Kids.

I am retiring from bloggin. I should have learned from Seinfeld and retired while the iron was hot, but that means I would have stopped blogging about a year and a half ago. Anyways, ya'll can take my linky down from your site. I'll probably post random thoughts from time to time, but I wouldn't expect anything spectacular. If I were to resurrect Absolut Insanity, it would be because

a) my dog died and I had the evening to figure out a good topic
b) I had no friends and no one to talk with on AIM during the work day
c) I stopped obsessing about my make-believe internet lover and ceased writing him 5-page messages each day
d) I started observing the environment and finding humor in it
e) all of the above
f) only a and b
g) only a, b, and d

Nothing good today. However I do have a random thought.

I'm hungry. I need to go to the store. What happens when a girl is hungry but there are too many fun shows to watch?! They should attach mini TVs onto grocery carts!!! OMG. I'm totally patenting that idea.

What does it mean if your mother won't even call you back? I am sick of this rejection stuff. I recieve rejection letters from graduate schools, I was rejected seven months ago by this MBA, and I have yet to get a phone call from this policeman I don't even like.

They say that the worst thing that can happen when you start dating again is rejection. That is NOT the worst thing that can happen. The worst thing that can happen is the guy joins your gym, you see him at Super Target every week, he goes to the same dry-cleaners, and was once frat brothers with your new best guy friend. Not only do you have to deal with the first instance of rejection, you have to see it every other day.

He will always have that secret over your head, "I GOT HAND."

Dating a person with the same name of one of your family members is disturbing. What do you scream in bed when you are with him? You don't want to ruin the mood by conjuring up images of your brother nor do you want to pump up the guy's ego by calling him "Oh, God," because more often than not, he ain't God because you have yet to arrive to The Promise Land of Orgasms.

What is left to call someone when it is time for a some lovin? There are only several options. One is to not speak during sex and the second is for parents to name their children fresh new names like, Orange, Jiko, and Pablebaq. That way, their future love partners never have to worry about hooking up with their family members.

"Yes, yes, yes, Xacqua!"