God I never felt this bad about money. Well, I did the first year of grad school, but this is different. I have a life and it feels weird shutting myself off from SF. It seems like to go anywhere you have to spend money and this month is a crunch. I don't get my loan check until after September 1, which means that I will be about 1,000 short for rent. :X I pray to the lords that I will get paid from Club M before September 1 and then I can grovel to my dad and mom (who I already did) to cover the rest. I will be living off of rice and eggs and meat for a while, which is fine. I can do without booze and clothes. I will have to wear the same outfit at Club M ever day. They supply you with a shirt and pants. The rest is up to the clothing gods. WOOOOOOOO. I hate asking my extended family for money because I believe my parents should be able to help me out. I hate the fact that my mother doesn't work and my dad has poor financial skills. I'm mad that they taught me nothing about money. Then I'm mad at myself for blaming my parents and not teaching myself how to "earn and save."

One day I will look upon the graduate school days and laugh. Laugh at the struggle to stay alive. Laugh at the fact that I did laundry once every three weeks and laugh that I loathed the idea of spending $20 on dinner or $10 on a drink. I will chuckle about how I used to cringe at the $3 of change I didn't ask back from a group dinner. Oh lord have mercy on my soul!

This is retarded. I picked up a lottery slip today. I see it as a $1 donation to education..$1 of hope?....What are the chances? I think it's greater than me liking an Asian Guy and the latter happened!

today i feel like i can't get anything right. like i feel like i say the wrong things, i laugh at the wrong times, i sit quietly and don't ask for change because i don't want to look like a cheapass, i email with typos, i forget to call people, i avoid the postoffice, i text the wrong people, i pray for the wrong things, i eat things that make me fat, i eat too fast, i eat too slow, i work out too hard or i work out too little. i write bad cover letters, i formulate my resumes poorly, i wear unflattering clothes, my make up is too dark, i write like a two year-old, i walk funny.. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH the criticisms are crushing my sensitive soul!!! i'm dying. i want to crawl under the covers and die. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

god i feel like a money tard today. i gave the hairdress $21 in tips instead of $12. there goes my drinking money for tonight!!! UGH! and i didn't want to go back and ask for the ten back. that would have been tasteless.

did i ever mention the cute neighbor downstairs? not the first floor neighbor, this is second floor neighbor. and he aint white either! he is middle eastern, has curly hair, is techie, and surfs. he works from home, but from the extensive guitar playing that i can hear below my room, i assume he slacks off more than he wishes to acknowledge.

the other day, he showed me the new i-phone. he whipped it out and shouted with glee about how it's the best toy he's ever had and spends hours playing with it. he said, "i dont even need a girlfriend."

it took all the strength in me not to say what i wanted to say, which was "i dont think your wee-wee will fit in that earphone hole. the i-phone is not going to cut it." instead, i laughed and pursed my lips.

i'm feeling kind of sad and i don't know why. i dont want to go to the club and meet nicole, i texted my friend and asked him to go to the pub across the street but he hasn't texted back. i got red iciepop on roommate's couch blanket, ..maybe i will go to bed early. i feel kind of chillay, but im not going to attribute it to the two iceepops i just ate.

what do you do when it's so nice outside, but you don't have the motivation to walk to the park and vege? uhhh....

Here's an update on Asian guy. Asian Guy showed up to my friend/acquaintance's going-away-birthday dinner. Two of the guests, including the guest of honor, knew about the text-message foible thanks to big-mouthed nicole and they inferred that i had a crush on Asian Guy. That made dinner awkward because i refused to smile or make eye-contact with Asian Guy for fear of what everyone would be thinking. I loathe being obvious about the men i like, especially when it is around acquaintances.

I opened up the conversation with, "yea, so everyone here knows about the text-message debacle."

"oh yea that was funny. I ended up going there really late because my friends didn't get out of dinner until late."

"oh okay." awkwardness continues.

we end up ordering the same dish, rare beef, beef tripe, and steak pho. interesting. out of the 40 dishes to choose from, asian girl and asian guy order the same thing. i was puking (in my mind), thinking about how the rest of the gang thought the ordering sitchumation was sooo cute.

asian guy, going-away girl, and i go to the neighborhood bar where we meet his white friends. going-away girl ends up leaving and i stay a little while. i could hear her smirking in her head, thinking that i was staying because i wanted to get to know asian guy a little better. ugh, even if that was the case, i don't need her making those assumptions and laughing at me at the cuteness. BARF!!!!

anyway, asian guy and i talk about our weeks and our weekend plans. i leave, not wanting to babysat. he says, "okay maybe this weekend?"

"sure."

what bothered me the most about that night was this girl totally rejected me!!! asian guy's friend is moving to chapel hill (different than going-away girl who is moving to LA, CA) and i talked her ear off, thinking she was enjoying the north carolina factoids. apparently she was dying and had to escape my clutches. i hate her for running away!!! after detox, i pay attention to girls and talk to them at bars. i didn't really see any cute guys. i think i have to do a reverse-detox because i can't be wasting time on the ladies, because i don't ever want to eat the pink taco. hahhaha

um. im mad that they have my scheduled to work a full day on Wednesday from 7 to 4. excuse me? 7am?

"yes 7am"

"i was not aware shifts start at 7am."

"this is only one time, for training, before the store opens."

"okay i understand."

:X wtf. um he could have prefaced the shift hours with a "hey, this is a one time deal , but you gotta work at the ass-crack of dawn."


then i felt bad for making such a big deal of the hours like i was complaining about working that early. i believe that i had the right to make a fuss because 7am is ungodly. 8am i can understand, but 7am? this ain't wallstreet and i'm not workin on east coast time.
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omg. someone isnt tired today because someone took a nap from 4 to 6 today. i was in a coma and i had a wonky dream...a dream about starving people in africa cutting off people's ankles to get tasty meat. :X

at this point of my life, i would like to learn how to share, share time, share food, share money, share friends, share laughter, share experiences, and perhaps, share water bottles. but secretly, i don't want to learn. my quest for personal growth can be really painful. and i don't want to deal with pain. it's annoying. hhhaha

im having this newfound fascination for chinese food. i have actual dreams. Dream content includes going to a chinese store and buying chinese ingredients, and eating chinese food out of chinese food containers. maybe i miss home? maybe i miss balanced meals? maybe i want good food? who the hell knows.

i'm actually glad i cannot find myself on google! :)

somebody got herself a jobbyjob! yay. one month of hard work, interviewing, dropping off resumes, and dressing up has paid off. club monaco here i come!!! nice clothes on discount, i am here to take you home with me!!

You know what I have learned? No one on the internet knows what they are talking about. Misinformation abounds. Who can you trust? Only published material?

Let me paint a picture of my yesterday, if you will. i will use a large horse-tail brush and use big strokes to illustrate the day's colorfulness or the colorfulness of the day, whichever you may choose.

I go the library, generally in decent attire, bring a lunch, and set up shop in the back of the place. I choose a spot carefully away from the library attendants, because I know how nazi-ish they are about noise and food (winking at you tyty and e), and surreptitiously snack on carrots, cheese-sticks, and apples. I sip on soda or water and keep the bottle on the floor, as priorly requested by a library cop.

On this particular day, as I concentrate on editing, the chore of the day, I feel a shadow fall upon the desk. A man, yay high, darked skin, dressed in blue and black says, "I would like to inform you about something very important."

"Dear lord," I thought to myself. I see no offending water bottles or noticeable open wrappers of food. "Oh god. He's going to tell me that they can see my coochie from the second floor and that I should really think about putting on underwear or crossing my legs better." I make a quick pat-down of the dress and cross my ankles tightly. I reply, "Yes?"

"You should really put your bag on the desk. When you concentrate so hard on your work, it's easy for someone to take your bag without you noticing. It should be in your line of sight. Just a suggestion; not telling you what to do."

"Thanks. Great," I say with relief.

"I'm Darren, but people around here call me D."

"Um, I"m Natalie. Nice to meet you. Thanks.".

"Okay, just a suggestion. Not telling you what to do," says D, as he walks away with a grin.

I'm glad "D" gots my back...back all the way of the corner of the library, on the fourth floor. Damn Spy.

As I finished editing the dissertation for the day, I walked towards the elevator. Punch, punch the down button and the door opens. A lone gentleman awaits for me to step in. I advert my eyes and stare at the wall, hoping his eyes linger the other direction. His dark skin and wrinkly skin seem to be facing me.

"Are you Chinese?" he asks with a European accent. He shuffles a little closer.

"Yes."

"I can tell. It's your face structure. I used to date a Chinese woman."

"Great."

The door opens and I run towards freedom. His checked-shirted body halts the escape. "Do you have any cultural biases?"

"What? What do you mean by that?" I ask.

"Cultural biases means having racist views."

"Are you asking me if I am racist?"

"Yes, I am," staring at me with big brown eyes and crinkly face.

"No, I am not racist," taking a couple of steps back. The linoleum refuses to open up and suck me through its cracks.

"Do you have a cell phone?"

"Yes, but I do not give out my phone number."

"Can I give you mine?" his white teeth glaring through the smile.

"Sure. Do you have a pen?" Please someone take me away.

"No. I do not have a pen. This is the twenty-first century. Program it into your cell phone."

Looking around for mercy or for lightening to strike, I say, "I feel very uncomfortable right now."

"SEE! You ARE racist! You have cultural biases. It is your parents' influence," proving that all Chinese women hate black men.

"Well, nice to meet you. I must go," finding solace in the women's bathroom.

The public library-where one goes to study or get called racist.

italians are crazy friendly. i swear i was an italian in a past life-and a quarter irish.

I hope I raise a kid with self-confidence and a strong head on his/her shoulders. It would be a shame if he/she grew up afraid of the world and timid around strangers. I love north beach and chinatown because one street separates the two and it's funny seeing the whities and yellowies mesh on the bus; chinese and italian spoken creating a melody that you want to tune out. hahhaha

no thanks to you people who do not comment on my blog. i loathe yall! justkidding. i love you.