I am a silent thief, stalking the Target aisles, searching for the perfect canvas handbag. Last night, I went to stock up on winter items, socks, hats, lipgloss, twinkies, etc. An army-green handbag caught my eye and I just had to have it. Only $4 and it was cute! I went to the check-out line, peered inside of the bag for an inspection for holes and saw another price tag and some "extra" green material. I thought to myself, 'There's no way, an extra purse is in here. It weighs 5 ounces." I didn't think more about it until I arrived home.

As I began to move items from the old purse into the new, I found a MINI green bag inside!!! Oh, I wanted to return it and display my honest nature, but the purse-shopping devil (inside every woman) spoke to me. She said, "Hell, no. Those micro-fiber dishcloths cost an arm and a leg. You deserve the freebie."

Always obey the purse-devil. She will point you in the right direction and soon you'll have enough purses to surpass Paris Hilton's number of coitus episodes.

Parker, my dog, escaped from my clutches last night--again. Either he despises living with me or he wants to sow his non-extistent oats. I rushed upstairs, grabbed his food container, and started doing the Moroccan dance outside.

"Parrrkkkeerrr!!!", shake, shake. He finally bounded towards me at the sound of food. I can't handle the emotional turmoil of losing a puppy. I should have learned never to own a living being after I murdered an innocent hamster in just a spectacular 48 hours.

Run away once, shame on you. Run away- can't run away again.

I got yelled at for eating food before purchasing. I was starving, grabbed a low-carb chocolate bar, and started munching as I browsed the grocery shelves. An employee walked up to me with a wide-eyed smiled and says, "Excuse me mam. Is that your basket? For future reference, we would like it if you paid for it before consumption."

Who made her Anti-theft Employee of the Month? Next time I'll hide the empty wrappers and NOT PAY FOR IT. That will teach her for snooping in my basket. There should be a ban against nosey-ass grocery store employees spying on customer purchases. And in my book, consumption is a disease, not a term for ingesting chocolate.

According to a "friend," my upkeep of this blog isn't up to par. I am considering doing a one per week submission so I can gather my clever thoughts and write a witty paragraph that makes people laugh.

Maybe a Sunday edition or is that too cliche?

I have the worst fucking windburn. I look like the Phantom of the Opera.

I hate you, The Wind. It's a real fairytale guy!

The worst joke ever played one me: "I hit your dog last night and I buried him. I had to call and tell you."

Parker ran away last night in the fifteen degree weather and I couldn't find him anywhere. I got up at 5am, put up 350 flyers, and scoured the forest for an injured puppy. I got the "funny" call later in the day while I was driving and almost died on the road.

When I got back to my apartment, the Cable Guy and Parker were running towards my limp sobbing body. SO NOT FUNNY! He made me believe he ran over my dog.

Never trust the Cable Guy.