I was a nerd last night and went to see Star Wars with my amigo. Let me give you some objective observations of the film.

1. Yoda needs to cut his nails. It's all long and scraggly and yellow. Please, Yoda. Cut the nails, he must. May the manicure force be with him.

2. Young Skywalker should get a facial or at least stay away from the bottle. That jaundice look ain't working for him nor are the bags around the eyes. I know he's turning to the dark side, but it don't mean that he has to look bad. Use the dark powers to lighten up the complexion and clear those hideous pores. And let's not forget to mention the oilness from entering the dark side. It's probably really humid and stenchy, but so is New York and you don't see people walking around with a thick film of sweat and oil on their faces.

3. Padme should wash off her makeup before going to bed. How does she sleep while wearing such huge headdresses?! Anakin is too busy plotting away with the Chancellor to check her out while she sleeps. She needs to learn how to relax and wear loungy clothes. I wonder if she's ever visited Vickie Secrets. They have comfy pjs.

4. Palpatine could use a little moisterizer. After Samuel L fries Palpatine's face, all Ptine does is cover himself with a sheath. A sheath does nothing!!! He should applye cocoa butter on his face and those wrinkles will slowly disappear.

5. Obi's facial hair could use a little trim. With all those lasers flying about I wouldn't want to have any hair that could catch on fire. Facial hair is from here on out BANNED.

Let's analyze my need to give people nicknames. When I have nicknames for my friends I make sure that no one else calls him/her that and that it is an inside-joke-moniker. It makes me feel like I have a special connection that no one else has with the friend. I have a need to feel better than everyone else.

When I have crushes, I give nicknames to them. It is easier for my friends to identify the hundred of guys on whom I crush, and instead of remembering specific (and annoyingly common names), they use the nickname as a mental cue to remember who I am talking about. Crush-nicknames depersonalize these guys and keep them at a safe distance. We spend most of the day making fun of each guy and it prevents me from feeling guilty when I talk shit about innocent crush victims. Once the guy graduates from his nickname to his real name, that means it is the real deal. No one knew #2's real name until a month later.

Ha. Fuck him. He's back to #2.

Who knew that so many guys are dating challenged. There are a plethora of books that stipulate rules and regulations on how to be a normal human being in America.

Inappropriate behavior by men have recently plagued my life. Some guys think it is acceptable to talk about how their friends "knocked up" their girlfriends and married them. Apparently, one story of a friend knocking up his girlfriend is not enough. They think it is entertaining to tell four distinct stories of women getting "knocked up" out of desperation to keep men.

I took out one standard off my list and went on a date with someone who has a child. Now, there is nothing wrong with having a kid at a young age and seperating from the wife, or widely known as the "baby's momma," but it is another thing to ask your date to go hang out at somewhere "adultish," and bring the child in tote.

When it is time for a movie and the woman sits down on the couch, some guys thinks it is okay plop half his body on top of the female and flop his arm around her when she never gave the green-light-go sign. Some guys are so dull they do not pick up on physical cues that their affection is unwarrented even when the lady starts cringing and refuses to look him in the eye. It does not help the situation when guys think it is clever to laugh at unfunny parts of the movie just to squeeze the girl and nudge her closer with each chuckle.

And the grande de something is how every guy is obsessed with the exboyfriends. It is understadable to want to know a person's past, but it is another to probe a woman on the first date about the last boyfriend, previous hookups, and the number of sexual partners. INAPPROPRIATE. If the information is not offered, then the guy should not ask. If she does not want to go into detail, then the guy shall refrain from saying, "No, tell me. Don't hold back. I want to know."

Please, all males reading this. Go to Barnes and Nobles and purchase a cheap book on dating etiquette. Buy one, swap it around, read it on the toilet. I don't care. Just do something about this pathetic behavior! And don't knock up anyone in the next few weeks.