Mom: What church are you going to tomorrow?
Nat: I'm going to the Church of Natalie
***
Nat: Someone dropped their key.
BestBuy employee: That isn't a key, that's a candy wrapper
***
Cameron: What do you want?
Nat: Regular iced coffee
Cameron: Regular or iced coffee?
Nat: Regular iced coffee
Cameron: What?
Nat: Regular as in not decaffeinated iced coffee!!!
***
Nat: Are those the only stickers you have here or are they dispersed throughout the store?
Spencer gifts employee: Uhh...only over there.
***
EV boy - Do you have a boyfriend?
Nat: No
EV boy - Do you have a boyfriend?
Nat: NO!
EV boy - You must have smooth skin
Nat: Yes, just like a baby's ass.
Ev boy - You must be self-confident
Nat: No, I have my insecurities. I know what I am and what i'm not and i know have smooth skin.
****
Sare: But i dont like giving or receiving oral sex."
Nat: Well, things can change. Remember the time when you didn't like feta cheese and now you do?

I had some horrifying thoughts as I was pumping gas on my way to my friend's apartment. I am almost 23 and I'm going to bars where the crowd is made up of mostly under 21-year-olds with fakes. Am I like that old woman at the bar with 80's hair, too much makeup, and tapered pants pulled up to her boobs with a wide-necked sweater tucked in? I grew up in the 90's so the chance of me walking around in acid washed jeans is pretty low, but you never know.

What I've Learned About the Real Word Today

1. Do not rush the coffee maker - Be patient and wait for the coffee pot to fill completely before removing it. Do not put a cup under the hot stream of coffee in place of the pot. Do not move the cup so that you can pour what is left in the pot while the hot coffee is streaming out of the machine. You will burn your tender fingers with boiling brown water.

2. Keep all laughter to a minimum, or better yet, do not laugh at all - If a business man knocks markers off of the presentation board, do not laugh or smile. If the presentation video includes people in business suits riding a rollercoaster and slapping hi-fives, stifle any urges to cackle. Do not make fun of the small bus that is taking you to the facility. Do not bend over laughing at the 'special bus' taking the not-as-important staff to the off-site IT building.

3. Old people need to trim their nose hairs - Breathing in and out really loud is very distracting to others. People are trying to listen to the speaker and if you have long nose hairs and have difficulty breathing, buy some trimmers or Breath-Right Strips to fix those problems.

4. Stick the words "leverage" and "content" at least twice in every sentence - Using these words will make you sound 67% smarter than usual. No one will know what you're talking about, but people will nod their heads in agreement. Their glazed eyes will mean that you've succeeded in convincing your customers that your business is doing well.

5. No matter how many degrees people have, they don't know how to spell names correctly - Professors are so egocentric, that if they think your name is too long, they will misspell it or shorten it to their liking. My name is no longer Natalie, but Natlie or Nalilie.

6. Unmarried people convene with each other, leaving the old folks to themselves - The power of the wedding band really takes affect after college. Young single professionals unintentionally converge together in any room at every event. First you talk about work, then you start talking about drinking. Next, you imagine you and the cutest one engaging in sexual activities.

7. Bring a big bag to any off-site company excursions - There are usually free goodies to take home. Snag more than your allotted amount of the travel mugs, CD cases, chocolate chip cookies, pens or internet cords and stick them in your large purse. Have a stockpile of company logo-ed items and whip them out for birthday and Christmas presents.

8. Come up with good excuses for not staying for the free dinner- "I gotta get home to see Must See TV" is not a good excuse for leaving right after the tour.

9. Do not ask an older IT guy for advice on which cool bars to go to in the area - No, the Cave is not an awesome place and neither is the Mellow Mushroom. The Cave is a hole in the wall bar where goths like to spend their time pretending to be vampires. The Mellow Mushroom is a pizzeria for families, not a place to drink a few beers.

10. Repeat everything your smarter counterpart says and if you can't answer someone's question, just say, "That's a really good question."

11. Leave your puffy gansta vest at home - Remember to wear a suit to work if you there is a slight chance you will be forced to converse with bigwigs. If you're going to a large conference with fifty professionals from around the country, your gansta wear will not fit in with the rest of the decor.

This is completely evil. It is 7:20PM. Yes, you read that right. It is almost eight on a Wednesday evening and I am here at work waiting for this damn "tour of the facilities" to begin. The people around here are crazy. The bigassbossman wants to show off the place to his academic counterparts from the top twenty business schools around the world and to do so, he has to drag everyone down with him. People and their damn visions. I don't want to be part of his global vision. I want to be sitting in front of the television.

I eat like a child. Everytime I sit down for a meal, whether it be on my couch or desk, I spill food on myself. I need more than a 'lapkin,' I need a raincoat.

check it out!! NAT-tionary

If you live in a dorm or in a apartment, you've probably run into this situation a couple of times. You get to the laundry room only to find that all the washers and dryers occupied. Somebody's clothes are washed, but still in the machine. How long do you wait before you take it out and lay the wet pile onto the unslightly folding table?

I usually wait three minutes before I dig into the washers and fondle my neighbor's clothes. I've got a schedule to keep and I will not stand around waiting for some guy to get his ass off his couch to come down to the laundry room and throw his wet load into the dryer.

I visited my current county's public library yesterday. This is the first time I've seen policemen guarding the children's section of the library. Those damn kids and their drug transactions. Instead of making deals in the sand box, kids are taking their business to a more classy establishment.

I was perusing the ghetto-fied library shelves and taking sips of water out of my 30 oz Dasani bottle when this security guard comes walking towards me. "Hmm, I am not stealing books and not doing anything illegal to my knowledge, so, what does this grinning shorty in a black and white uniform want with me?," I asked myself.

Shorty said hi, asked about my well-being and started making small talk. I was waiting for him to get to the point, because he either wanted to befriend the fine looking Asian girl in the library or I've done something terribly wrong.

"Mam, we do not allow drinks in the library."

"Ok. It's just water. I'll put the bottle in my purse, Ok?"

"Ok. Thanks."

I guess the public library system has seen its fair share of vandals. Social misfits take to the library to destroy books to rid themselves of unresolved juvenile issues. No longer are walls graffitied or purses stolen, instead, kids smuggle drink bottles to spray books down with water. That will teach them smart folks not to read.