'member, i'm a guest blogger at G-fry till next week. Damn, does this mean I gotta come up with stuff to write over the weekend? Tonight should prove to be entertaining. It includes, dogs, demeral, naked musical chairs, and David from Tennessee.

What I Learned at Lunch with my Dad Today:

How to be a succesful drug dealer:
Don't go to the bad neighborhoods, go to the places where the white upper-class reside. However, be careful of the ones that are "gun shy." It's best if you just dealt with musicians. They love that shit.

Why it's good to be young and cute:
You'll get more tips. Men are happy to get young girl servers. They'll tip you better just because you're pretty. Women don't care either way. They just want good service.

Homosexuality is more prevalent than you think:
A girl whistles at all pretty girls - she may be gay.
A girl rubs your wife's arm for a full two minutes and says "OOO, feels so good" - she may be gay.
The chef hates women- he might be gay.
The cook incessantly speaks about his brother's good looks - he might be gay.
Your little cousin hates germs and bugs - he might be gay.

I'm sad today. I'm sad that all these freaks have books and I don't have one. I want a book, but I dont actually want to write a book..well more like I dont want to write a proposal to get a book made..and perform all the little steps that go into making a book. I just want some magic geenie to go, "POOF! Here's your book and its in the clearance section of Barnes & Nobles "

Martha Stewart its pretty for an old lady about to go to jail. She's like the MacGyver in the home. She can make a functional lamp with just a shoebox, sticky tape, and three paperclips.

When Parker throws up he eats his regurgitations. He's an eco-friendly pup.

Me guest poster on G-fry's blogs this week. HMM..this could get interesting. I do have that story about Sugar Ray look-a-like and the KY.

College Quotes..HILARIOUS! Thanks to Mr. G-fry, I haven't studied a thing today. I've spent my day reading college quotes and reminiscing about the days of yore.

Things I hate

I am sad that nobody loves me.

There's this guy, we'll call him Mark.

Mark is unfocused, poor, and young. Mark is cute, sexy, and fun to play with. I don't want Mark as a boyfriend or any kind of friend. Although I don't want him, I want him to want me. So why doesn't he want me? I mean, he's not even good enough for me so why is HE dissing me? That fucker.

My laziness is at its pinnacle.

I'm eating scrambled eggs out of a sandwhich bag because washing tuppeware is too complicated.

Instead of buckling my seatbeat when the annoying warning beeping sound goes off, I turn up the radio.

This headline appears in the New York Times today: "Experts Set a Lower Low for Cholesterol Levels" -New recommendations call for drug treatment for millions of Americans who had thought their cholesterol levels were fine.

The headline should read: "We Lowered Standards so You'll be Forced to Buy Expensive Drugs. As You Throw Money at Pharmaceuticals We get Rich with Kickbacks."

Excuse, me. But how do people have so many comments while I have like seven?

Is it because

A) I have no friends
B) my friends suck and don't like to leave comments
C) lack of comments means a "successful" blog
D) people know i want comments so they decide to leave none out of spite.
E) comments in other blogs are fake submissions by the authors.

Why does God make waking in the morning so damn hard?

The first thoughts that run through my head in the morning are, "Why, God Why?!?" "Kill me now," and "I hate life."

Then 1.4 minutes later, I'm wide awake and ready to roll.

Inquiring minds want to know why I hate my dog. I don't really hate Parker, rather, I despise his devilish ways. For example, yesterday, i went to the coffee shop for two hours and came back to an apt covered in shredded paper and dvds. The little heathen ripped apart my work papers and opened up the dvd case and strewn every illegally burned dvd I had all over the floor. Other than the random acts of vileness, I love my dog. We snuggle and play and engage in bestality from time to time.